Oh My!


Today was a great day of sports, especially college football. Upsets galore in college football, great baseball games with HUGE playoff implications, and the American’s played great in the President’s Cup (sorry to all you hockey fans who are pumped about the Kings big W in London but hockey sucks).

All these upsets are like solarcaine to the burn of getting beat last night. It helps because it means we won’t drop out of the top 15. All we need to do is take care of business the rest of the season and we should end up in a BCS game even if USF somehow wins the Big East.

At some point after the Cowboys game tomorrow I will realease release, “Things that made me want to throw my shoe.” I know you all cannot wait (it is good to end with a laugh).

Somtimes You Just Gotta Say What The Fuck!!


Strapping young man seeking woman for one night of comfort. Must be hot, skinny, and willing to be spanked.

I am still drunk from last night so this may not be the most coherent post ever but here are some thoughts from last nights embarrassing loss.

Steve Slaton touched the ball TWICE in the second half. With one Heisman candidate on the sidelines CRR basically benched our other Heisman candidate and did not give him a chance to carry us to victory. Now we have NO Heisman candidates.

Devine only got FOUR touches the entire game. If we are not going to get the ball to our playmakers we might as well get ready for Canada come December.

This gets me to my main complaint from last night and it is with CRR. Every time they showed him on the sidelines he was jumping around like CoCo the Monkey. This is not the way a coach should carry himself when his team is trying to make a come back.

Go back and watch the Louisville game from two years ago CRR was calm, cool, and collected on the sidelines. This led us to the greatest comeback in school history. Friday night CRR looked like a damn scared idiot and his play calling is one of the main reasons we got beat. Throw the bubble screens when they play back not when they are using press coverage — JACKASS.

We threw the ball 18 times in the first-half and 20 times in the second half. The difference was that we put it down the field in the second half where we were guaranteed some positive yardage. So to those of you who were yelling THROW THE BALL in the first half, SHUT UP, and realize you have no business talking football.

I’m going to be an asshole here but Mike Dent’s play at center is the main reason we lost this game. During the first half our offense had no timing. Pat White had to be ready for the snap to end up anywhere but in his chest.

This rushed the read option, the bubble screens, and just fucked the offense in the first half. He cost us a touchdown, two first downs, and caused two turnovers (one of which led to a USF touchdown).

All I can say is don’t give up on this team. I have faith in these kids and in CRR. We can turn this around, end up in New Orleans for the Sugar Bowl, and drink ourselves into a stupor and just pretend we are playing for the National Championship.

Breakfast

T-Minus 2.5 Hours…


8 o’clock STILL can’t get here soon enough. To pass the time, I’ve had this photo professionally printed life-size and mounted it on my wall. For the next 2 and a half hours, I’ll be the one sitting and staring…and drinking. A lot. Probably an unhealthy amount. It happens.

On Location: Carter-Finley Stadium


Unfortunately, I will not be making the trip to Tampa this year. I will be at a football game, however, as I am taking in NC State-Louisville in Raleigh on Saturday afternoon. This should be a fantastic game between two of the worst teams in the country. But, it is my first chance to see The Krag up close and personal and from the upper deck, so it should be a good time.

By the way, 8:00 pm can’t get here soon enough. Go Mountaineers!

Ears Bleeding, Please Make Stop


Matt Grothe has his own website. If that wasn’t the funniest thing you’ve ever heard, Matt Grothe also has his own rap song. Sung by Bulls kicker/Special Olympian Delbert Alvarado. Hilarity ensues.

Welcome to MattGrothe.com, the Internet’s #1 source of news, information, and multimedia on University of South Florida sophomore quarterback Matt Grothe!

Fuck, I wonder what’s #2?

For my money, nothing gets you street cred in the rap game quite like missing 4 field goals in one half. And if that’s not enough, having the first name Delbert usually does it. Shit, with a name like that, you’re about 1000% more likely to be hung off a balcony by Suge Knight than have a hit track.

Two Heisman Hopefuls, Or None?


Unfortunately, and it pains me to say this, but one of these two is going to have to start to play badly for the other one to win the Heisman. Blasphemous? Hardly. Hear me out.

In the end, I think our season would be better served by neither winning the Heisman. They are both equally awesome players — maybe a slight edge to Pat White — and both steal a great deal of the others “stats.”

Think about it. When does Pat White’s Heisman stock go up? When Slaton has a tough game. And vice-versa. When they both dazzle, which is bound to happen more often than not, they’ll end up splitting votes.

You might bring up Matt Leinart and Reggie Bush. Both won Heismans. Both played on the same team. Well, two things: 1) Steve Slaton is not Reggie Bush. That’s only a compliment to Bush, not a knock on Slaton. Bush was a highlight reel waiting to happen. Slaton is also a home-run hitter, but not in the same way; and 2) Leinart was Bush’s elder. When Leinart won, he was the sole leader of the Trojans. Sure, it was Bush’s breakout season, but it was still Leinart’s show.

At WVU, it’s both Pat’s and Steve’s show. They share it almost equally. My hope is that they both blow it up, split votes, finish 2nd and 3rd (or something like that) in the Heisman, and we go to the National Championship.

Then Devine wins it in 2009.

The Lou Holtz USF Pep-Talk


Is anybody else wet with anticipation? I know I am. This type of moisture can only mean one thing: the Lou Holtz pep-talk is upon us. This week, Lou turns his attention to the USF Bulls. As if USF needs any more motivation.

Anyway, the Lou Holtz pep-talk is a personal favorite of mine. Nothing combines adrenaline and saliva quite like Coach Holtz. When he speaks, I listen…and pee myself a little. Like I said, I’m excited.

The speech is coming at halftime of the Boise State-Southern Miss game on ESPN, so we’ll be back afterwards to give you the complete recap.

Start holding your breath…wait for it…wait for it…NOW!

UPDATE:

OK, I’m a little less pumped up now. I’m not saying Lou Holtz gives bad pep-talks, because he doesn’t. What he does is confuse the hell out of you. One minute I’m a USF player, pumped up about playing WVU in the biggest game in my life. The next? I’m wondering why the hell he’s mentioned bumble bees, sex and violence on television, and football in the same speech. Seriously, how much PCP is this guy on?

Anyways, I hope USF was listening, because if they were, we win by 50.

File Under Amazingly Obvious


You know, some guys just can’t catch a break. Today, Louisville dismissed oft-troubled linebacker Willie Williams after his arrest on marijuana possession.

Williams, who was brought in as a high-risk recruit with the personal blessing of athletic director Tom Jurich, was charged with possession of marijuana, felony tampering with physical evidence and driving without a license. The high school All-American gained infamy for his long criminal record as a teenager that included 11 arrests, which derailed his intention of playing football at Miami.

Louisville police arrested the 6-3, 230-pound Williams after he was stopped for driving a car with the music playing too loudly, said Louisville police spokesman Phil Russell.

A detective searched the car and found Williams trying to hide a small amount of marijuana, Russell said.

“He basically had the marijuana in his mouth,” said Russell, who would not release the identities of the others in the car because they were not arrested. Several other schools passed on Williams, but after attending West Los Angeles Community College, the Cardinals took a chance on him. Williams was given a set of disciplinary guidelines to adhere to by Jurich. He failed to live up to them.

No shit he failed to live up to them. I guess trying to swallow your stash of construda didn’t quite meet UL’s code of conduct.

Props to Willie for thinking on his feet, though. Not many people would think to eat your weed. This type of ingenuity and quick-thinking should help him during his 5 years in prison.

Watch out for your corn-hole, Willie.

Exclusive: Leavitt’s Pre-Game Pep Talk

We here at WBGV have been given unprecedented access to the USF locker-room in the days preceding the game. When I say “access” I mean I got the only female equipment manager drunk off Mike’s Hard Lemonade, stole her keys, and did some reconnaissance work in Leavitt’s office.

We set-up many different camera in Coach Leavitt’s office, including one under his desk. We felt this would be invaluable seeing as how he would be cowering under there by Wednesday at the mere thought of West Virginia’s potent offense. Unfortunately for us we discovered that Coach Leavitt likes to wear heels while preparing his pre-game pep talk.


FRIGHTENING

We also saw the words of inspiration that he will use to pump his team up before Friday’s game:

Fella’s we can accomplish great things if we work together. Tonight we have a chance to show the nation what South Florida football is all about.

These are the moments you have been waiting for your whole life. National TV…a sold out stadium full of kids who weren’t smart enough to get into any other school in Florida (pause for laughter)…your parents got out of jail for one day to come see you play (hurry to next sentence before you get a cap popped in your ass).

Look at the fella to your left (no your other left) and now to your right (damn idiots your other right) and know that these are the brothers you are going to war with tonight.

We are going to take the field and run all over those hillbillies from West Virginia. (pause again for laughter) Yeah I know fellas we are fucked because they are real fast and real good but Erin Andrews might be here tonight and I hope I get a chance to motorboat those big tatas like Pat White did last weekend.

Alright get the hell out of here I need to change into men’s clothing before the game starts and I know you don’t want to see my cross-your-heart bra again.


YIKES

Undefeated Season: Week #4


Stiles

Hoo boy. The revenge game. The big one.

On the heels of last weeks dominating performance against a decent East Carolina team, my expecatitions are sky high this week. Last year against USF, EVERYTHING went wrong for the Mountaineers. And yet, there was WVU with a chance to score at the end to win the game.

This year, I see a bloodbath. WVU is deeper, faster and more talented than last year. The defense has come alive and the offense has been tremendous. USF is a nice team who will win more games than they lose. It just so happens that this week they play a great team. One that will take care of business. In a big way.

WVU (-7) 38
USF 13

Houston -10.5 vs. East Carolina
Rutgers -16.5 vs. Maryland
Clemson -3 @ Georgia Tech
Troy -13 vs. UL Monroe
Penn State -3 @ Illinois

Season Record = 14-10-0

5th Year Senior

Alright time to get down to business and make some predictions for this Friday’s game. Wait a second who are we playing on Friday? USF…Never heard of’em. They have a fast defense? Well we have Slaton, White, Reynaud, Devine, Schmitt, and Jalloh. They have a talented offense? Well we have a defense, especially Dykes, that will eat their unborn children. That being said we are going to win going away.

WVU (-7) 37
USF 17

Penn St. -3 (my dad would KILL me if I said that out loud)
Colorado + 22.5 vs. Oklahoma
UCLA +1.5 @ Oregon State
Tulane +40.5 vs. LSU
Louisville -9 @ NC State

Season Record = 0-0-0

Charley West

CRR has said that revenge is not a great motivator. Maybe not. But I can’t imagine that our players aren’t going to have it in the back of their minds.

This is USF’s “game of the century,” with over 65,000 in attendance, so you know both the players and fans are going to be geeked up for this one. That might make for a rough first quarter. But at the end of the day, WVU is the more talented team.

The game should play out very similarly to the Maryland game. We score first, but their offense responds with a ton of adrenaline and a matching touchdown. It’s at that point that our defense settles down and out offense starts to methodically beat-down the Bulls.

If there’s any amount of scoring in this game, it’s to our advantage. USF will want to limit possessions and keep this game in the low 20s or teens, just like last year. This year, however, we have a healthy White and Slaton, making that an impossible task.

WVU (-7) 37
USF 20

Illinois +3 vs. Penn State
Oklahoma @ Colorado OVER 55.5
Virginia -7 vs. Pitt
Louisville -9 @ NC State
Clemson -3 @ Georgia Tech

Season Record = 14-10-0

Like Glitter Much?


This only reinforces my view of USF fans as a roving group of carnies hellbent on swindling the elderly out their life savings. If for no other reason, we need to win Friday’s game for the American elderly. If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is (…maybe a date with Erin Andrews?).

The Kragthorpe Diaries I


Oh. Shit.

I am so completely fucked. Utterly, totally, didn’t have the courtesy of a reach-around fucked.

It all looked so rosy. Top 10 program. Orange Bowl champion. How could I screw this up? I couldn’t. No way. I single-handedly turned Tulsa around. Tulsa for fuck’s sake. You think anyone wants to go to Tulsa? Shit no. But there I was, winning games and making Steve Kragthorpe a household name.

Everybody wanted a piece of The Krag. Programs wanted me. Schools across the country were throwing money at me. Taking me to expensive restaurants. Showering me with gifts. Setting me up with hot ass ladies. Sure I’m married, but not when I’m on the road. On the road, The Krag has to get him some split-tail, you know what I’m saying? As long as that shit stays on the DL, The Krag is all good.

Man, was I having a good time. Especially in Louisville. Remember this story? You should’ve seen the red-carpet they rolled out for me. A box at Churchill. Dinner at the Penndennis Club. That shit was off the hook. I didn’t see a minority the entire day. That’s how it was in Montana and that’s just how The Krag likes it.

That was 9 months ago. Today? It’s like someone took a dump on my chest. What the fuck? I won a Liberty Bowl, I don’t deserve this shit.

How the hell did we lose to Kentucky? Good lord, Kentucky. Who’s even their head coach? Is it Saul Smith? I don’t have a clue.

I have no idea how it went wrong, either. What’d you say? We need to play defense? Fuck that. Have you seen our offense? It’s sick. It’s like the 2000 Rams in Madden. I used to play in my office on my old Dreamcast. I owned that game. Brian Brohm is Kurt Warner, Anthony Allen is Marshall Faulk, Mario Urrutia is Torry Holt, Harry Douglas is Isaac Bruce, and some other white dude on our team is Ricky Proehl. Man, wasn’t Ricky Proehl sick?

I just don’t get it. With this offense, who would’ve thought we needed to play defense. Not me. And I’m the best coach in America. If I didn’t see it coming, no one could. Not even Knute fucking Rockne himself. And he was half the coach I am. Plus he’s dead, so he doesn’t know shit.

And don’t even get me started on Syracuse. Luckily I swallowed some Oxycontin at halftime so that game was a fucking blur.

All this shit is giving The Krag a headache. All I wanted to do was win a national championship. It shouldn’t be this hard. It wasn’t this hard when I was taking Tulsa to the Humanitarian Bowl. I mean, pulling decent ass in Boise was hard, but the football part was still easy.

This fucking blows. What the hell am I going to do? Ah, fuck it, I’m going down to the Magic Dragon for a rub and tug. Gotta get my mind off this shit.

Guarantee??


I awake from a power nap around 1 to the show formerly known as Cold Pizza. I quickly scramble to look for the remote because I would rather eat ketchup than watch this monstrosity. Lucky for me they are about to talk about the WVU v. USF game so I calm down and watch the hilarity ensue.

The first thing I hear Pat Forde say is that he guarantees a USF victory. Wait did he say USF victory? My jaw drops and my hand reaches for my foot. Lucky for my HD-TV I was not wearing any shoes.

Forde, normally a WVU supporter, goes on to talk about the USF defense and how they will contain WVU’s speed, yada yada yada – my ears started bleeding at this point. Yes, Pat they do have a fast defense and beat us at home last year. However, there is no chance in hell that this team overlooks South Florida again. Not to mention the fact that Pat and Steve are actually healthy for this game.

Pat, after we beat USF by at least two touchdowns on Friday we will allow you back on the WVU bandwagon. Also get ready for a smart ass incoherent e-mail around 11:30 Friday night.

Save Dave, Day #2


It was a rough night for me. Tossing and turning, knowing that when I woke up, Dave Wannstedt may no longer be the head coach of the University of Pittsburgh.

But when I did rise, I was greeted with good news. Dave lives! Yes, ladies and gentleman, Dave Wannstedt is still employed. Due solely to our efforts — the “Save Dave” campaign — Wannstedt remains coach at Pitt.

I was concerned since they had called a press conference yesterday, but that turned out to only be Dave’s regularly scheduled gibberish dissemination. Whew, they had me scared for a second there.

But remember guys, despite the good news, the fight is not over. We must continue to fight. Please, continue to joke about sending contributions. It’s the only way we can fake build our war chest for this long battle. And it will be a long battle, considering Pitt athletic brass will often feel tempted to fire Dave because of his gross incompetence.