Starkghanistan: Zero Hour


Trust me, I wish I could take credit for this. But then again, I haven’t been to Starkghanistan and never wish to, either. Also, this girl is funnier than me. And when I say funnier, I mean more obvious. Livestock jokes just aren’t my thing. I leave that kind of “funny” to fake Sean Connery on SNL Celebrity Jeopardy.

Take it away, Rebekah Monson from the LSU Student newspaper, October 19, 2001:

This is a special weekend in the lives of many students, for many will visit the most cultural Mecca of the South – Starkville, Miss.!

As the football players venture forth to paper train those Bulldogs of Mississippi State, students will swarm the metropolis in preparation for and celebration after the big game.

I am writing today in honor of “Starkvegas” and to prepare you lucky students who will storm the city this weekend.

According to the latest census data, Starkville has a population near 13 (including livestock).

The city is the home of Mississippi State University, an institution with an academic reputation that rivals that of many I.V. League junior colleges.

Students at the university enjoy a plethora of recreational activities, including: cow-patty bingo, cow tipping and mud riding.

One late-night hotspot no visitor should pass up is the Piggly Wiggly parking lot.

Locals congregate in the parking lot to drink tasty cold beverages in 16-ounce cans enclosed in paper lunch sacks.

Another popular parking lot activity is a game that involves spitting Skoal juice on another’s boots. (The rules are confusing, so most visitors are better off remaining spectators rather than participants.)

On game day, MSU faithful load up their tractors and pour into town with barefoot farm children in tow to welcome the opposing fans into its state-of-the-art stadium, which seats a record-breaking 4,000 spectators.

(Fun fact: the stadium doubles as a cow pasture in the off-season.)

The MSU fans are so enamored with their Bulldogs that they feel the need to entertain using the regional musical instrument of choice: the cowbell.

The Bulldog men remove the cowbells from their wives’ necks, and a beautiful symphony of “tink-a-link-a-link, GO DAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWGGGS!” ensues.

The game itself begins with a rousing pre-game performance from the MSU marching band.

The band walks across the field at various tempos to the MSU fight song played in various keys, while fans politely clap at whatever pace they feel appropriate.

The band’s greatest contribution to the game is the “Go State” cheer, which grows exponentially more out of tune every time they perform it.

If MSU happens to score a touchdown, authentic confederate soldiers fire a cannon.

In the fourth quarter, the football players perform a beautiful interpretive dance to Baja Men’s “Who let the Dogs Out.”

If the Bulldogs win, MSU fans show good sportsmanship by performing their cowbell symphony at a greater volume in the faces of opposing fans.

If the DAWGS lose, the MSU fans perform the same ritual followed by a “Next year, we’re gonna stomp ‘em!” chant.

So, Tiger fans, that’s what awaits you in Starkville, a beautiful city full of beautiful people.


UPDATE: Yeah, on second thought, this article just sucks. My bad.

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