If you’re like me, you’re always confused as to who to hate. One week you’re pulling for a team, the next you want them to lose. Such is life in this BCS sweepstakes that we find ourselves. Well, fear not, minions. WBGV is here to take all the guess-work out of your everyday existence. No, we can’t tell you if your son is on drugs or if your neighbor has been stealing your lawn ornaments — yet — but we can tell you who to hate.
This is not sometimes, when-I-get-around-to-it hate. This is pure-all-the-time hate.
Let’s get the easy ones out of the way first:
This is the easiest of the easy, to hate and to beat. Zing! Seriously, Pitt has zero redeeming qualities. Hate with regard to neither women, children, the elderly, or kittens.
The red-headed step-child that all of us keep locked in the basement. Oh, you don’t have one? Yeah, stop lying.
Who cares if we don’t play them anymore, my hate still burns bright. So should your’s.
Our new biggest rival. Down this year, though they should be back in years to come. Unless they keep Steve Kragthorpe, who enjoys losing football games, cross-dressing, and body-painting.
OK, those are the biggest 4. Then there’s the rest of the football Big EAST:
Then we have to get to the Big EAST basketball schools:
Of course, I intentionally omitted Notre Dame, not because they’re not on the list, but because they deserve their own section:
The most hated of the hated, not just by us, by everyone. Even the Aryan Brotherhood and the Mexican Mafia think Notre Dame is evil. Now if we just get the entire school into a California prison…
Now we have to get a little more creative:
The Big Ten, but not Northwestern.
ESPN, the network, not the individual letters. Except P.
College football analysts with an SEC bias. These include all of them.
College basketball analysts with an ACC bias.
Jay Bilas. See above.
Real, actual hurricanes.
The entire state of New Jersey.
Mike’s Hard Lemonade, and any variation.
Sex and the City, the show and the impending movie.
Spiders, the insect, not of Richmond. Though their prior affiliation with Beilein is troubling.
Osama Bin Laden.
Maid in Manhattan.
Lou Holtz. Fuck you for 1988. Fuck. You.
The ref who called the technical foul in the 1998 Sweet 16.
Stay with me, there’s more…
Lee Suggs and Kevin Jones.
The student gate at Mountaineer Field.
Old Pitt Stadium. What a fucking dump.
Frank Beamer. It’s funny because his burn makes him look like a turkey.
Phil Fulmer. Nothing really to do with WVU, but just hate on principle. Trust me.
The 2001 football season.
The 2001-2002 basketball season. Two words: Drew Catlett.
Roger Staubach. Wow, was he fucking good. And three times as old as me.
Marcus Vick. Statutory rape is funny when it’s not your daughter.
The UVA pep band.
When they pave paradise and put up a parking lot. Unless it’s the Blue Lot.
Jim Calhoun. Get it? Zing!
Elderly drivers. Turn off your damn turn signal!
The student section. Unless you’re a student, and then…
The alumni section. Unless you’re an alumnus, and then…
Not having a school golf course.
Stuart Scott. Or is it Linda Cohn I hate more? Eh, who can decide…
Jewel. We get it, you lived in your van.
…and last, but certainly not least…
Marvin Graves and Tremain Mack. Don’t tell me you haven’t been thinking about these two names since you started reading this list. They are the reason this list exists. Outside of the big four and Notre Dame, Marvin Graves and Tremain Mack might elicit more blind hatred than anyone else.
OK, that’s the list. If I’ve missed anyone — and there have to be more — nominations are being taken in the comments.
Ballhype – The Definitive Hate List