Greg Schiano Hunter


Take the New Jersyian, for example, my favorite animal. There are 23 species. Seventeen of those species are rare or endangered. Sixteen of which have some type of sexually communicable disease. They’re on the way out, no matter what anyone does or says, you know. No matter how many weights they lift, they just can’t make it in this new world.

But today, today we’re hoping to get lucky. We’re on the search for one of the most dangerous and elusive New Jerseyians in all the land. In fact, only one of these massive “guidos” is known to exist. To find him, we must search in his natural habitat: the club. The club most resembles the savannahs of Africa. An open plain where danger lurks right around the corner. This is a kill or be killed world, to be sure.

We can distinguish this particular guido by the prominent gap in his front teeth. But don’t get too close, as he is very, very dangerous. Because when he strikes it can be that quick that if they’re within range, you’re dead, you’re dead in your tracks. Outside of the Komodo Dragon, Greg Schiano is THE single most dangerous predator. He’s absolutely ruthless.


CRIKEY, there he is. It’s Greg Schiano. Now stand back everyone, don’t get too close. Marvel at the beauty of his hair, groomed perfectly with gel and product.

And look, he’s sired a brood of younger guidos. This is absolutely fantastic. The endangered species is being rebuilt. But we must be careful. When he’s protecting his young, he’s especially dangerous. The entire brood might react as if on cocaine. They’re that unstable.

Look at the beauty of the brood. Watch as they move as a group throughout the club, flirting with each female New Jersyian. Look as the bigger guido is more dominant with the female as the smaller ones stay to the back and lick themselves.

Quite the sight indeed!

[I have no idea who originally photoshopped this, but I first saw it on The Sports Nirvana, so credit goes to them — for now. Feel free to correct me.]

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