Earlier today, in a secret meeting, Coach Rich Rodriguez and Athletic Director Ed Pastilong sat down to discuss the day’s events. Ever the attentive reporters, WBGV had a spy in the room. What follows is a word-for-word transcript:
Coach Rich Rodriguez (CRR): Hey, Ed, funny to see you here.
Ed Pastilong (EP): Really, why’s that?
CRR: Oh, no reason. We never get to talk these days.
EP: Yeah, we really don’t. Especially about you covertly flying to Toledo to meet with Michigan’s officials, you son of a bitch.
CRR: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down. That’s just an internet rumor, Ed. You can’t believe those crackpots.
EP: It was on ESPN. And every other major sports news organization. That’s not an internet rumor. That’s a fact. You lied to me, Rich.
CRR: Now Ed, “lie” is a pretty strong word. I prefer to call it “not telling you the truth.”
EP: Cut this shit, Rich, are you going to Michigan or not?
CRR: Of course not.
EP: Then why were you in Toledo today?
CRR: Hmm, good question. Umm, ummmmmm…..ummm, I was sightseeing.
CRR: Yeah, Lake Erie is beautiful this time of year. They have so many wonderful abandoned mills and factories. Plus, the pollution makes for a wonderful sunset.
EP: Oh, OK then. That sounds reasonable enough. Thanks for coming clean with me, Rich.
CRR: No problem Ed. I am at WVU until the day I die.
EP: That’s good. I apprecia….wait, who are you texting?
CRR: Nobody. My sister.
EP: You don’t have a fucking sister. Let me see that.
<— Struggle ensues. EP finally gets a hold of CRR’s pink Moto Sidekick —>
EP: What the fuck Rich? You’ve been talking to Michigan’s AD, Bill Martin.
CRR: Bill’s a friend. Just a friend.
EP: Oh really?
CRR: Yeah, we talk sometimes. Late at night. When I’m lonely.
EP: Shit Rich, from the looks of it, you’ve been having cyber sex with this dude. That’s just sick. And what the hell does “LOL” mean? Is that slang for your penis?
CRR: Don’t judge me.
EP: I’ll tell you what I’m gonna do Rich. I’m going to let you go to Michigan, that way it looks like I’m not firing you. And we’ll just pretend this kinky shit didn’t happen. Capiche?
CRR: Yes, Uncle Ed.