Yes, that’s right, we’re going to live-blog the Sugar Bowl. Why? Why the hell not?
Actually, it’s because we have visions of grandeur for those spunky Hawai’i
Rainbow Warriors. Or as I will refer to them for the rest of the evening, the Rainbows. That old school logo would make George Michael proud.
Plus, if Hawai’i (good lord, that stray apostrophe is annoying to type every time) makes this a game, we’ll get to see a lot more faces like this one:
So, sit back, pour yourself a beer or four, and enjoy the Sugar Bowl. We’ll be here to hold your hand the entire game, assuming we don’t pass out first.
8:25 — What have we already learned? Herschel Walker would whoop Knowshon Moreno’s ass, Fran Tarkenton looks suspiciously like a less-kept Archie Manning, and Hawai’i has no chance against this bigger, stronger, better endowed Georgia team. So, of course, the Rainbows will win.
8:33 — If you name your
trumpet trombone band “Bonerama,” you can expect the full support of WBGV. Well done sirs, well done.
8:38 — Don’t take this the wrong way, but Jimmy Johnson’s hair makes me erect.
*** The live-blog continues after the jump….
8:42 — June Jones becomes the first coach to evoke “fricken” in his pre-game motivational speech. Somewhere, Knute Rockne is not fucking impressed.
8:46 — Mark Richt’s haircut:
8:51 — Kickoff. Under/over on the length of the game: 4 hours. Hint: take the over.
8:57 — Apparently, Davone Bess could go down as the greatest college WR of all-time, at least according to Thom Brennaman. Note to Thom: chances are, if I’ve never heard of this guy, he’s not the greatest WR of all-time.
8:58 — After thinking about it, Thom is a stupid way to spell that name. We shall now refer to him as simply “Tom.”
9:03 — Please, FOX, less shots of the UGA dance squad. We’ve already nicknamed one of the more shapely ladies, “The Chunkster.”
9:07 — Touchdown Georgia, apparently scored my “Nomar” Moreno. I’m not sure who is more offended by that mistake, Nomar or Knowshon. Considering he’d have to start banging Mia Hamm instead of the UGA student body, I’m going with Knowshon.
9:24 — Props to the Hawai’i fans for making the journey to New Orleans. Considering the traditional outrigger canoe used for transportation by native Hawai’ians, that trip must’ve taken weeks.
9:26 — FG Rainbows. 7-3 Georgia. I am now going to spend the rest of the half wearing my commemorative 2008 glasses.
9:34 — TD Georgia. 14-3 ‘Dawgs. Hawai’i better get their shit together. Apparently, tackling was left out of the Rainbows’ game-plan.
9:38 — Tom lets us know that Hawai’i’s (look how retarded that looks) leading rusher has 362 yards on the season. Isn’t that about what Steve Slaton has this season?
9:44 — If you make first team All-WAC, do you think anyone even bothers to congratulate you?
9:50 — I’m already breaking the seal. This is bad news for the rest of the game…
9:54 — FG Georgia. 17-3 ‘Dawgs. Hawai’i better score here or that that canoe trip back through the Panama Canal is going to be awfully long.
10:00 — I’m sure UGA VI will be very happy with his memorial crypt inside Sanford Stadium once he dies. I’d bet he’d be more happy if you played with his balls while he’s alive.
10:05 — TD Georgia. 24-3 ‘Dawgs. I can’t make any more canoe jokes, so this live blog might be in trouble. Just kidding. As long as there’s booze, I’ll be here.
10:10 — You know what this Hawai’i team needs? A little inspiration:
10:20 — Holy shit, Hawai’i stopped them on 3rd and 4th down. All of a sudden, the Rainbows’ defense resembles this girl.
Brennan walked into the woman’s room uninvited with an erect penis showing out of his pants, lay on her bed and told her: “Come here, let’s play,” according to an arrest report.
She said no.
10:30 — Colt Brennan looks pretty good tonight. I think he could probably start for Wahama High School.
10:40 — Halftime. 24-3 Georgia. This is exciting. And it’s opposite day. We’ll be back after halftime…….
11:00 — Second half. Spent the last 20 minutes watching The Office. That 20 minutes was more productive than anything Hawai’i did in the first half.
11:05 — Incompletion by Matthew Stafford and a 3 and out by Georgia. Sounds like the perfect excuse for me to post this picture:
11:15 — Hawai’i done did something good. Whoooo doggy!
11:20 — Colt Brennan has money on Georgia. There is no other logical explanation for this. Oh, except for maybe that non-BCS schools have no place in major bowls and Boise State was a fluke. Yeah, maybe that.
11:28 — I made a tactical error in deciding to live-blog this game. I should have just drank and ordered an escort.
11:35 — The “Fat Man” from Jake and the Fat Man just caught a pass. And hurt himself. Imagine that.
Actually, he kind of looks like Mark Mangino. Maybe that is Mark Mangino. You can tell I’m reaching at this point.
11:40 — I am getting mighty tired of hearing “I’ve Been Working On The Railroad” by the Georgia band.
11:45 — TD Georgia. 38-3 ‘Dawgs. This game is immensely boring. We’re about to turn this into a “Live Sex and the City on TBS blog”. Yes, this game is that boring.
11:50 — This game has made me yearn for The Chunkster. If she’d just return my calls….
11:58 — Tom is not happy with Mark Richt for a challenge in a 38-3 game. In other news, Chucky will fucking kill you.
(Yeah, I know that technically, Chuck is Jon Gruden. But they look close enough alike…)
12:10 — OK, I am wrapping this up. This has been one of the worst games I have ever sat through. If I hadn’t been doing this blog, I would’ve turned the game off a long time ago. I seriously regret switching back to the game after halftime instead of staying with The Office.
Oh well, better days lie ahead. Specifically tomorrow, when WVU completely catches Oklahoma by surprise. Just think Trail of Tears, but 2008. Racist? Yes. Appropriate? Yes.