We Know Who Wins The Fiesta Bowl

It’s difficult to write a game preview for a game as marquee as this one, considering everyone from ESPN to your uncle Ricky has previewed the games themselves. And chances are, uncle Ricky’s effort makes twice as much sense as ESPN’s. So we’re going to take a little different tack when looking at this game.

We’re going to do this from a completely arbitrary standpoint. Who cares whether Oklahoma has a DT suspended or a CB hurt. Those things have nothing to do with the outcome of the game. What really matters is that Oklahoma had a then-record run of 2,212 performances on Broadway. That’s tough to overcome.

The Participants

West Virginia__________Oklahoma

Advantage: West Virginia.

Admittance To The Union

35th__________46th

35 is clearly better than 46, in all aspects. I can’t even count to 46. Advantage: West Virginia.

Number of Panhandles

2__________1

Though there’s may be longer, we have more for the ladies to love. After the initial shock, they’ll get used to it. Advantage: West Virginia.

Terrible Tragedy

2005 Louisville (Elite Eight), 2007 Pitt__________Trail of Tears

I know what you’re thinking, “Trail of Tears ain’t shit.” Well, actually, it kind of was. Advantage: Oklahoma.

State Flag

__________

You have to respect the 3rd graders who drew our flag managed to color inside the lines. Advantage: West Virginia.

Natural Resource of Choice

Coal__________Oil

Coal is great, it keeps the lights on. But coal has never inspired a television show as great as the Beverly Hillbillies. Advantage: Oklahoma.

State Bird

Cardinal__________Scissor-tailed Flycatcher

What the fuck is a scissor-tailed flycatcher? Then again, the cardinal is pretty weak. Advantage: None

Cheerleaders

ou.jpg

Yes, I’m cherry-picking here, but c’mon…look at front and center for Oklahoma. I wouldn’t fuck her with 5th Year Senior’s dick. Advantage: West Virginia.

Country Star(s)

Brad Paisley__________Garth Brooks, Toby Keith

I love Brad Paisley, but holy shit, Garth Brooks AND Toby Keith? That’s too tough to overcome. Advantage: Oklahoma.

Movie Star

Jennifer Garner__________Brad Pitt

Jennifer Garner’s hot — and has woman parts — but Brad Pitt’s still dreamy. There’s nothing gay about this… Advantage: Oklahoma.

OK, by my count, West Virginia wins, 5-4-1. That’s an impressive victory for a 7 point underdog. I’m not sure how the tie will play into the final score, but then again, this is completely arbitrary, so let’s just go with 35-27 WVU.

Sound good? Good.

9 Responses

  1. Is that really OK’s state flag? No offense, but take away the word Oklahoma, and it looks like a bad T-shirt from the 70’s.

    How about this one: three US Navy ships have been christened USS West Virginia, versus only one USS Oklahoma.

    Advantage: WV.

    Both the USS West Virginia and USS Oklahoma were on Battleship Row on December 7, 1941. Find multiple examples of bravery (including a posthumous Medal of Honor winner) aboard the West Virginia at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/USS_West_Virginia_%28BB-48%29.

    The West Virginia was a newer and more advanced ship, whereas the Oklahoma “had a vibration problem throughout her lifetime. . . ” See http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/USS_Oklahoma_(BB-37)

    Oklahoma was sunk quickly by the Japanese, but many crew stayed in the fight and displayed heroism. I’m tempted to give WV the edge here, but you’ve got to call it a tie, just out of sheer respect for those guys and what they did. Salute.

  2. Hey leave my “Big John Ray” out of this…

  3. Are you kidding me? WV tragedy = 2 ball games?

    I’d pit the Mine Wars against the Trail of Tears and draw that a near-tie.

    I’d throw in what the freaking “local color” movement in writing did to WV (created a rube for city folks to purchase, laugh at, and therefore feel better about being one of the unwashed masses in the city rather than figuring out it’s better to be an unwashed landowner in the hills), non-union mining vs. still-union oil industry, and the existence of Governor Manchin and I’d have to say we win the tragedy thing.

    But on the music, they have Merle Haggard. It’s gonna be damned tough to overcome that.

    Then again, our guys have been practicing with a new coach for a whole new ballgame, so in my heart you’re right: WV will win.

    Besides, 5th Year Senior’s “Big John Ray” is supporting WV. What more could we need?

  4. Are you kidding me? WV tragedy = 2 ball games?

    I’d pit the Mine Wars against the Trail of Tears and draw that a near-tie.

    You have to realize that this site, at times, is a “humor” site.

  5. And you couldn’t tell that by the rest of my post?

  6. my prediction: WVU wins 38-24, Stewart wins becomes a legend and is announced coach immediately following being carried off the field.
    He then goes 8-25 his next three years, remarkably the same record he had as head coach of VMI 30 years ago.

    Mountaineer field then becomes the first outdoor stadium to ever be closed for asbestos removal during the 2011 home season where all home games are moved to Webster County High School.

  7. Superman,

    What a truly awful prognostication!…I’m beginning to conjur the Cignetti years. While your tongue is planted firmly in your cheek, the possibility of this scenario is just that…a possibility.

  8. I read your comments about our coach, and added to the nasty commented picture of female Bama fans. I have to tell you, I’m very disappointed. I am a life long Alabama fan but i watch other college games as well and for some reason, I’ve always pulled for you guys.
    Now, I have to tell ya…the wasted talent was my own. I have given my time and support for people who have none. I’m not talking about your team, just your website. We are proud of each and every loyal Bama fan. We don’t all have tats, we don’t all drive tractors, and as a rule, WE DON’T MARRY OUR COUSINS!
    You maybe should take a look at your own rep before you start trashing others. OUR REP STANDS…when you guys can post the accomplishments that THE CRIMSON TIDE has posted…get back with me.

  9. Ma’am, those girls have OKLAHOMA shirts on

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