The Snarkiest MNC Live Blog In History

Anyone can live blog the National Championship. Most will try, too. But it takes a true cynic, however, to do it as snarkily (note: may or may not be a word) as I plan on doing it. Trust me, I sincerely promise to sarcastically hate on everything and everyone. Things might get a little uncomfortable, even, but believe me when I say that will not stop me. The snark shall continue.

So, this is your heads up. Be sure to tune in around game time as I crack open my first beer and let all my pent up frustration out on two totally undeserving teams, a terrible officiating crew, and THom Brennaman. See, it’s started already.

7:15 — When I actually start it, this is where all the snarky comments will go. Check back in an hour.

8:10 — The anthem is in the books. And the male singer is obviously homosexual. Who saw that coming? Nobody?

8:15 — Keys to the Game: Eddie George — don’t peak too early, like my career. Jimmy Johnson — hair gel. Urban Meyer — Tim Tebow. Hardy har har.

8: 18 — Is it just me, or does the Ohio State band leader remind you of The Wiz from Seinfeld? I’m the Wiz! Nobody beats me!

8:21 — Eat Shit Pitt! Eat Shit Pitt!

8:25 — What do you think Thom is short for? Douchebag?

Kickoff. Let the Les Miles bat-shit craziness begin.

8:27 — Touchdown Ohio State. 7-0 Buckeyes. They scored way, way too quickly. The curse of Ted Ginn lives on.

8:30 — Just know that I am on productivity-enhancers. They include Miller Lite and pure Afghan opium.

8:35 — It’s a good thing I don’t have money on LSU. Seriously, I don’t. No, I’m telling you the truth.

8:37 — As if you couldn’t make the OSU band any gayer, they’re wearing berets. Yes, let’s try and look MORE French.

8:40 — Charles Davis is functionally retarded. So far, he’s only convinced me that he knows football exists and sweater vests are deceiving.

8:42 — 10-0 Buckeyes. If you’re scoring at home, LSU is now another Ohio State touchdown from being completely fucked.

8:45 — Dear LSU,

This is what happens when you have a white running back. Recruit the black player.

Sincerely,

Fisher DeBerry.

8:50 — Interdisciplinary Studies. That’s Jacob Hester’s major. Sounds like basket-weaving and date rape to me.

8:54 — Note: Matt Flynn’s major is also Interdisciplinary Studies. Tandem date rape? If Ryan Perriloux is there too, it’s officially a gang bang.

9:00 — 10-3 Buckeyes. Whoopty fucking do.

9:05 — I would just like to assume the following girls are in the crowd:

9:10 — Ryan Perriloux is in the game. He has LSU -3.5 and the over parlayed for 10 Gs. Don’t worry, he’s good for it.

9:12 — Touchdown LSU. 10-10. I have no joke, this is just for reference.

9:17 — That dude who just got stiff-armed by Beanie Wells? His penis fell off.

9:27 — Holliday from LSU (hint: the midget) would make a great grease-man in Ocean’s 14.

9:30 — Touchdown LSU. 17-10.

9:35 — Escape from the fucking prison already! Damnit!

9:40 — Interception LSU. Time to celebrate. Partial nudity!

9:45 — TD LSU. 24-10. I’m pretty sure they just gave Hester a pity touchdown for being white. Good job buddy, everybody gets a trophy.

9:50 — Hey, did you hear Bo Pelini is an Ohio State grad? No shit. Amazing. It’s really cool when FOX subtly drops little tidbits like that into its telecasts.

10:00 — Flipped over to ESPN and heard Corso describe Matt Flynn as “Peyton Manning and Tom Brady wrapped into one.” Holy erection Batman. It’s the perfect QB. All the women could swoon over Brady and Manning could swoon over all the men.

10:05 — I would rather watch 300 lb. graduates of each school run a relay for the general scholarship fund. Wouldn’t that be much more fun than watching a metrosexual and a 40 year old pedophile?

10:10 — Remember, even if they lose the national championship, Ohio State athletes have had success in similar situations:

10:15 — JaMarcus Russell just defined “new money.”

10:20 — Well, we won the FedEx Air & Ground award with almost 75% of the vote. Apparently, 58% is damn near 75%. Nice work Chris Rose.

10:30 — Holliday might be faster than Devine, but it’s clear Devine is much, much stronger. They are both legally midgets, though, so I think both teams get some diversity credits or something.

10:35 — With all the fans either at the game or watching the game at parties, how many homes in New Orleans/Baton Rouge are being burglarized right now? The over-under is 85%.

10:40 — Nice tackle. 31-10 LSU.

10:45 — Todd Boeckman is good at football. Except not.

10:50 — If Ohio State continues stinking up the joint, I’m going to have to resort to just posting porn. Oh well, we’ll stay with the softcore stuff.

11:00 — I was actually hoping LSU would keep going with the blowout so I could masturbate and go to sleep. Oh well, more live blog.

11:05 — Too much information?

11:10 — Message boards are reporting that Doc Holliday might either 1) become offensive coordinator 2) recruiting coordinator or 3) pope. My money is on the papacy.

11:20 — Well, it’s pretty much all over except the shouting, which will be done in an unintelligible Cajun accent.

11:30 — You can tell I’m fading. This game isn’t even worth doing a ton of coke to keep myself awake. I’m going to stick it out though. And remember kids, I meant Coca-Cola, not cocaine. To the adults, I meant C-O-C-A-I-N-E. If you spell it out, they won’t know what you’re talking about.

11:40 — TD LSU.  38-17.  This one is over.  I might stick around for a second, but I’ll probably just add my random thoughts in the comments.

Goodnight all.

118 Responses

  1. Is it just me or does Tressel look like he’s getting ready to go down on that trophy ball?

  2. That is EXACTLY the type of snark we are looking for. Bravo!

  3. Does any team deserve to win the MNC this year? I think my ’04 flag football team with Charley at the helm deserves a shot at the MNC this year.

    He averaged three touchdown passes a game…1 to our team and 2 to the other

  4. I liked Dane Cook the first time I heard him, was skeptical the second time, and now he is like nails to the chalkboard to me. Maybe it was Employee of the Month, but everytime I see him, I want to go Kurt Cobain on myself. Incidentally, he does a good job in Mr. Brooks.

    No mention of the siren’s in the background of the Gameday crew? That is ripe for racial/Katrina cruelty. How about the guy in a wheelchair behind Tressel in the interview? I quote G.O.B. Bluth, “I think we all feel that way about our mom’s…….and we all have legs!”

  5. That little skit by Shaq was almost as funny as watching him chug up and down the court.

    Has been…

  6. Dorsey as Gump? They’re serving up softballs tonight.

  7. Tom Hanks was a lot easier to understand than Dorsey.

  8. Vote for the Mountaineers at http://msn.foxsports.com/fedex

    Or don’t. Whatever.

  9. Who was the dude singing the anthem? He had the same hairdo as Cameron Diaz in that one scene from “There’s Something About Mary.”

  10. Tressel going down on a trophy and an Arrested Development joke. This is going to be a great evening…

  11. glibglub, I was thinking the same thing…

  12. I’m a sheep I voted for that Mountaineer?? team you were talking about.

    Fox sucks at producing college football games

  13. God I hate the sweatervest.

  14. I’m fairly certain Thom Brennaman has never been touched by a women.

  15. Who the hell is the color guy? He is making my ears bleed.

    Les Miles just has crazy eyes…James Larunitas has the biggest neck I have ever seen, the damn thing is bigger than his head

  16. Hey guys and gals–did you know that James Laurinaitis is the son of a former WWF? He is. He really is.

  17. Hey Stiles is here and nobody cares

  18. If I was on that “Moment of Truth” show there would be a Frankenstien esque mob waiting outside the studio for me. We need to bring back torches

    Tails never fails

  19. Yeah, the sweater vest is tired. He should try a nice afghan for a change.

  20. Or a sarape. And grow a handlebar moustache to go with it.

  21. Predictions??

    LSU 28 tOSU 21

  22. What’s wrong with the friggin’ HD broadcast? I’m getting a regular picture.

  23. Rod needs to establish the pass early on to confuse the Missouri defense. Oh wait…

  24. At least they didn’t sprain the guy that scored the early TD this year…damn I hate the bucknuts

  25. I’m an idiot

  26. Who knew that Mike Dent is LSU’s center too?

  27. For you NBA fans – I know you’re out there – a couple of big games tonight. Denver @ Phoenix and San Antonio @ Golden State. Giddy up.

    Oh, this is the BCS thread. Well then, Les Miles right now is thinking to himself that maybe Ann Arbor isn’t so cold in the winter.

  28. It is kinda hard to watch this game thinking about what might have been…

    My laptop has been red flagged

  29. The one LSU kick returner is so much smaller than the other, they kinda look like a pair of those Russian nesting dolls.

  30. Run the fake field goal on 2nd and 6 from your own 24. They’ll won’t be expecting it!

  31. These offenses are not at all exciting. In fact, they’re kind of lame. I think WVU would beat either of these teams.

  32. I didn’t know ProActiv solution was sponsoring this game….oh wait that was just the LSU band

  33. Is #8 for LSU a midget?

  34. He prefers to be called a little person.

  35. Horizontally challenged?! He could be a starting guard for Marquette!

  36. So I got a home theatre system for Xmas, and I have to tell you, I wish I had it all season. It makes game watching so much more fun than it was before. HD and surround sound is the most awesome viewing experience. If I had this shit while I was in college, along with Guitar Hero, I would have never graduated.

  37. “8:50 — Interdisciplinary Studies. That’s Jacob Hester’s major. Sounds like basket-weaving and date rape to me.”

    I minored in date-rape. It’s harder than you think. One little fuck-up and it becomes murder. That’s a big jump in felonies.

  38. Have watched porn on it yet?! Sweeeeet!

  39. Where are all the eaux puns? Is it too soon?

    LSU’s offense bleauxs.

    On the other hand, their majorettes are seriously bucking the trend of fat girls in leotards. Nice job.

  40. Sarah Connor Chronicles:

    “Come with me if you wanna live.”

    That’s what RR said to his family.

  41. If LSU fans smell like corndogs, what does LSU twat smell like in general? It’s kind of sickening if you think about it.

  42. I have no idea what that means.

  43. I want to see Rachel Bilson naked…mmmmm

  44. About LSU fans smelling like corndogs? That’s the rumor. According to EDSBS anyway.

  45. I hope Mr. Jonston is drunk because I am and now I want some corndogs

  46. Now, I’m not going to start blogging Two and a Half Men, but Janeane Garofalo is guest starring, she’s lost a lot of weight, and her face is sagging. Disturbing.

  47. Corndogs are delicious. I recommend T&L.

  48. Holliday and Noel Devine should have a who’s shorter contest.

  49. I think maybe it’s the dark blue color of the helmets, but WVU’s littlest players tend to look as if they have giant heads, whereas Holliday of LSU, not so much.

  50. Matt Flynn looks like the love child of Matt Damon and that dude who played Robin in that Batman & Robin travesty. What was his name anyway?

  51. I’ve always wondered if it was the helmet color or if we have oddly shaped helmets. Ours look very large on the smaller guys, kind of like PSU’s look. It’s strange, no doubt about it.

  52. Chris O’Donnell i think?

  53. tOSU QB DOA

  54. I have no clue how much today’s football helmets weigh, but I worry the little guy’s necks will just start snapping one day.

  55. Yeah, O’Donnell, exactly.

  56. Hester looked like a frog on that 1st and goal, diving over the pile with his legs flailing wildly.

  57. Thanks for the celebratory pick, Charley. To me, that sort of thing is the SEC’s best argument for being the premier conference.

  58. My workday will be much better tomorrow if LSU pulls away and puts this away. Columbus is fun for Mountaineer fans when the Buckeyes lose.

  59. Anyway, back to the big head look. Anybody remember the Great Gazoo character from The Flintsones? The little green alien with the giant head? It’s that kind of look. It’s just wrong. So wrong.

  60. ARR is teaching a course at Michigan “How to be Gay”

    http://www.umich.edu/news/index.html?BG/317descr

  61. Is that the Ohio State Marching band or the resurgance of Nazi Germany?

  62. So tOSU band is dong music saluting the Navy, Marines, Air Force, etc. But they started out by spelling out the James Bond 007 logo across the field. Don’t they understand Bond is fictional, and the armed forces are real?

  63. And not only fictional, of course, but also British.

  64. What happen to letting the fans win money at halftime? Now they let a Backstreet Boy and Clint Black kick fieldgoals for “scholarship” money.

    At least tOSU players will get some honest money next year to buy new Hummers.

  65. Just when I though nothing could be lamer than middle aged schlubs trying to throw footballs through hoops at halftime, here comes the alumni kicker challenge. Every single person in the stadium, kickers included – silent and bored to the point of drowsiness.

  66. They should have spelled MI5.

  67. LSU band’s theme is “Festival of Lowered Expectations.”

  68. Where is Odem in that photo? A fun house with a giant banister? Starring in “Honey, I Shrunk the Buckeye”?

  69. Jamarcus Russel is impeccably dressed on the sideline.

  70. Russel has a fantastic grasp of the English language as well. What a scholar he is.

  71. What did his bling say? Bama something?

  72. It probably said Bammeroid.

  73. Yeah, sign up Chris Rose to be an election monitor in emerging democracies.

  74. That Oden picture answers the question of whether he can play facing the basket or not.

  75. Jesse Palmer, the bastion of college football knowledge that he is, just put WVU #1 in his 2008 preseason poll. I don’t dislike him right now as much as I normally do.

  76. I understand Palmer’s Canadian. He’s giving Stew some love for having coached in the CFL.

  77. That is some poor tackling. 30-10.

  78. This game might be over . As I type this, it is. tOSU shouldn’t be allowed in the BCS title game for at least 10 years.

  79. J., you’re gonna have a good day at work tomorrow.

  80. OK be honest how many of you got really close to the screen to see if you could see that girls panties….nobody oh well I did

  81. Well, you can’t see them, probably because she’s not wearing any.

  82. Work will be great tomorrow, no doubt. Being in sales though, Buckeye losses do impact my bottom line here. Crazy.

    Unless of course the Chicago Bears of college football (ie. Buckeyes) do something miraculous. That pick could be a start.

  83. Why are girls in the south so hot…good lord all mighty skinny with real big REAL boobs…oh my

  84. “Charley West, on January 7th, 2008 at 10:52 pm Said: Well, you can’t see them, probably because she’s not wearing any.”

    easily my favorite post of the thread

  85. I think they are motivated to stay skinny b/c the weather is warm and they want to wear skimpy clothing. For instance, I live in Ohio and am not as skinny. I find it helps me stay warmer in the winter. So it’s either that, or good genetic stock.

  86. Very well reasoned. You get a P on my completely arbitrary letter-based rating scale.

  87. That 4th down play was stuffed. With authority.

  88. i think it is because southern girls are sluts, and it is hard to be a fat slut, in that noone will want to have sex with you, and part of being a slut is getting laid….

    am i drunk yet??/

  89. Yes, you’re drunk. And possibly autistic.

  90. who knows at this point. i have made it through 1.5 years of law school, that points towards not autistic. but then again, it is wvu, so perhaps that evidence is irrelivant. either way, this game is completely awful on both sides.

  91. What happened to all those “The Moment of Truth” promos? Put RR on that show and I’ll watch.

  92. man this game is hard to watch.

  93. Chuck, why don’t you just call Joe Manchin and see if he can arbitrarily award you a law degree from WVU? Then you can just fuck off for the next 2.5 years and still rake in the dough. I mean, shit, it’s worked for others.

  94. I want LSU to get another TD just to make this extra delicious.

  95. very true, but they are not as charley west has described as “autisitic” and he knows me well enough to know that i realy have downs.

  96. Oh I see. Well then that’s just discrimination man.

  97. Isn’t it amazing how those inspirational videos really prepared tOSU for the long haul here. Ya think maybe watching tapes of LSU instead would’ve helped them a little more?

  98. Chuck, why don’t you just call Joe Manchin and see if he can arbitrarily award you a law degree from WVU? Then you can just fuck off for the next 2.5 years and still rake in the dough. I mean, shit, it’s worked for others.

    I actually already have a law degree. From WVU. Trust me, from the amount of work that I did, it’s like they arbitrarily awarded it to me.

    Unfortunately for Chuck, our degrees are going to be printed on the same paper.

  99. Do you guys think we finish ranked above tOSU?

  100. Well, my MBA from there is even more useless than it was before thanks to this fiasco.

    You didn’t happen to be one the law students that ran Tailgate Central did you?

  101. Nope. I was actually still in undergrad when TC was in its heyday.

  102. well we should, but does it realy matter?

  103. YES!! The official blowout TD. Excellent.

  104. WO, did that guy realy just have a thing on his eye black repping canton?? Ohio realy sucks.

  105. Chuck,
    It matters only b/c I live in Columbus.

  106. Looks like Tressel will be denied an opportunity to apply the knob slobber to that trophy after all.

  107. Repping Canton is like advertising you have herpes or will eventually be shot in your lifetime. Let’s just say it’s not a positive thing.

  108. Somewhere, Chris Spielman and Kirk Herbstreit are spooning and crying tears of infinite sadness.

    And the SEC chant echoes from the rafters.

  109. Repping Canton = Daiwoo Dude on MadTV

  110. How long until the networks come out with their preseason polls? I’m guessing we show up around #5 again.

  111. Did you know that everytime an ohio state player cries, an angel gets its wings?

  112. I figure we’ll start somewhere around #5. We’ll beat Auburn and Colorado and win our first 8 games as we drop to about #12, and then make a late season charge back into contention. Or something like that.

  113. On second thought, maybe Matt Flynn is the love child of Matt Damon and that guy who played Arli$$.

  114. can we please get a playoff? how much better is march madness then this crap?

  115. I think so. Eventually. Anytime soon? Maybe not.

  116. BTW, will be ranked 6th to begin next year.

  117. Going back to the picture of the girl with body paint of a Bengal Tiger….. there is a topless someone on the left side of the photo with their back turned to the camera. Can’t decide if it’s a man or a woman.

  118. Answer: redneck

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