Anyone can live blog the National Championship. Most will try, too. But it takes a true cynic, however, to do it as snarkily (note: may or may not be a word) as I plan on doing it. Trust me, I sincerely promise to sarcastically hate on everything and everyone. Things might get a little uncomfortable, even, but believe me when I say that will not stop me. The snark shall continue.
So, this is your heads up. Be sure to tune in around game time as I crack open my first beer and let all my pent up frustration out on two totally undeserving teams, a terrible officiating crew, and THom Brennaman. See, it’s started already.
7:15 — When I actually start it, this is where all the snarky comments will go. Check back in an hour.
8:10 — The anthem is in the books. And the male singer is obviously homosexual. Who saw that coming? Nobody?
8:15 — Keys to the Game: Eddie George — don’t peak too early, like my career. Jimmy Johnson — hair gel. Urban Meyer — Tim Tebow. Hardy har har.
8: 18 — Is it just me, or does the Ohio State band leader remind you of The Wiz from Seinfeld? I’m the Wiz! Nobody beats me!
8:21 — Eat Shit Pitt! Eat Shit Pitt!
8:25 — What do you think Thom is short for? Douchebag?
Kickoff. Let the Les Miles bat-shit craziness begin.
8:27 — Touchdown Ohio State. 7-0 Buckeyes. They scored way, way too quickly. The curse of Ted Ginn lives on.
8:30 — Just know that I am on productivity-enhancers. They include Miller Lite and pure Afghan opium.
8:35 — It’s a good thing I don’t have money on LSU. Seriously, I don’t. No, I’m telling you the truth.
8:37 — As if you couldn’t make the OSU band any gayer, they’re wearing berets. Yes, let’s try and look MORE French.
8:40 — Charles Davis is functionally retarded. So far, he’s only convinced me that he knows football exists and sweater vests are deceiving.
8:42 — 10-0 Buckeyes. If you’re scoring at home, LSU is now another Ohio State touchdown from being completely fucked.
8:45 — Dear LSU,
This is what happens when you have a white running back. Recruit the black player.
8:50 — Interdisciplinary Studies. That’s Jacob Hester’s major. Sounds like basket-weaving and date rape to me.
8:54 — Note: Matt Flynn’s major is also Interdisciplinary Studies. Tandem date rape? If Ryan Perriloux is there too, it’s officially a gang bang.
9:00 — 10-3 Buckeyes. Whoopty fucking do.
9:05 — I would just like to assume the following girls are in the crowd:
9:10 — Ryan Perriloux is in the game. He has LSU -3.5 and the over parlayed for 10 Gs. Don’t worry, he’s good for it.
9:12 — Touchdown LSU. 10-10. I have no joke, this is just for reference.
9:17 — That dude who just got stiff-armed by Beanie Wells? His penis fell off.
9:27 — Holliday from LSU (hint: the midget) would make a great grease-man in Ocean’s 14.
9:30 — Touchdown LSU. 17-10.
9:35 — Escape from the fucking prison already! Damnit!
9:40 — Interception LSU. Time to celebrate. Partial nudity!
9:45 — TD LSU. 24-10. I’m pretty sure they just gave Hester a pity touchdown for being white. Good job buddy, everybody gets a trophy.
9:50 — Hey, did you hear Bo Pelini is an Ohio State grad? No shit. Amazing. It’s really cool when FOX subtly drops little tidbits like that into its telecasts.
10:00 — Flipped over to ESPN and heard Corso describe Matt Flynn as “Peyton Manning and Tom Brady wrapped into one.” Holy erection Batman. It’s the perfect QB. All the women could swoon over Brady and Manning could swoon over all the men.
10:05 — I would rather watch 300 lb. graduates of each school run a relay for the general scholarship fund. Wouldn’t that be much more fun than watching a metrosexual and a 40 year old pedophile?
10:10 — Remember, even if they lose the national championship, Ohio State athletes have had success in similar situations:
10:15 — JaMarcus Russell just defined “new money.”
10:20 — Well, we won the FedEx Air & Ground award with almost 75% of the vote. Apparently, 58% is damn near 75%. Nice work Chris Rose.
10:30 — Holliday might be faster than Devine, but it’s clear Devine is much, much stronger. They are both legally midgets, though, so I think both teams get some diversity credits or something.
10:35 — With all the fans either at the game or watching the game at parties, how many homes in New Orleans/Baton Rouge are being burglarized right now? The over-under is 85%.
10:40 — Nice tackle. 31-10 LSU.
10:45 — Todd Boeckman is good at football. Except not.
10:50 — If Ohio State continues stinking up the joint, I’m going to have to resort to just posting porn. Oh well, we’ll stay with the softcore stuff.
11:00 — I was actually hoping LSU would keep going with the blowout so I could masturbate and go to sleep. Oh well, more live blog.
11:05 — Too much information?
11:10 — Message boards are reporting that Doc Holliday might either 1) become offensive coordinator 2) recruiting coordinator or 3) pope. My money is on the papacy.
11:20 — Well, it’s pretty much all over except the shouting, which will be done in an unintelligible Cajun accent.
11:30 — You can tell I’m fading. This game isn’t even worth doing a ton of coke to keep myself awake. I’m going to stick it out though. And remember kids, I meant Coca-Cola, not cocaine. To the adults, I meant C-O-C-A-I-N-E. If you spell it out, they won’t know what you’re talking about.
11:40 — TD LSU. 38-17. This one is over. I might stick around for a second, but I’ll probably just add my random thoughts in the comments.