Salacious Accusations on Signing Day Eve

Everything you are about to read is 100% true. These salacious tidbits, details, and factoids (which is a robotic fact sent back through time to kill you) have been compiled from years of investigative reporting. Often, I had to go deep-undercover to protect my own identity, as well as my safety. Why? When you read on– oh you’ll see why.

No names have been changed, because if they were, it just wouldn’t be any fun.

  • Joe Paterno insists on traveling with the Hello Kitty backpack he stole from his youngest grandchild.
  • Contrary to rampant internet rumors, Terrelle Pryor did not accept a white corvette from Ohio State recruiters. He did, however, accept a blow job from Buckeye coach Jim Tressel. Unfortunately, Pryor is not as accurate with other parts of his anatomy as he is with his arm. We have the dry cleaning ticket to prove it.

tressel.png
  • In the summer of 1995, Dave Wannstedt was on vacation with some coaching friends in sunny southern California. Late one night, drunk and lonely from being away from his wife, Wannstedt cruised Sunset Boulevard looking for female companionship. After psyching himself up to pay for a prostitute, Wannstedt pulled his car into a quiet residential neighborhood just off of the main drag known for that type of behavior. An L.A. vice officer followed him, approaching what he believed to be Wannstedt’s automobile. Fortunately for Wannstedt, the confused officer approached a similar-looking car up the street, arresting the occupant for the same offense Wannstedt was to commit. Hugh Grant’s life has never been the same.
  • Late last year, while driving back from a cross-state recruiting visit, Rutgers coach Greg Schiano was stranded on the side of the road with a flat tire. Schiano attempted to hitchhike back to Piscataway, only finding a ride with a passing trucker after several hours. That trucker, unfortunately, turned out to be a crazed lunatic who stabbed Schiano in the stomach and left him for dead in a ditch off of Route 533 just south of Griggstown. That trucker’s identity? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.
  • When he was 13, spurred on by puberty-driven curiosity, a young boy once spread peanut butter on his penis and tried to get his family’s Golden Retriever to lick it off. Unfortunately, an unknown peanut allergy triggered the dog’s bite reflex. Unable to free the boy from the dog’s grip, paramedics at the scene were forced to amputate the now-mangled penis. After hours of surgery and years of gender reassignment, what once was a boy reemerged as a newly minted girl. 11 years later, Rita Rodriguez married her high-school sweetheart near her home in Grant Town, WV.
  • Florida State has long been known as Free Shoes University, a playful pun off the school’s initials and its reputation for illegally paying players and recruits in athletic footwear. That tradition continued until 2007, though Bobby Bowden’s gifts of hand-me-down Dr. Scholl’s orthopedic shoes had Florida State’s recruiting class ranked a very mediocre 33rd in the country.

One Response

  1. Nicely done.

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