Twelve Year Old Turns Down Coaching Marshall

SOUTHINGTON, Conn. — Joshua Irizarry is already a minor celebrity.

In the past week, he has been featured on ESPN, CBS Sportsline, Yahoo! Sports, and Sports Illustrated. Why? Because the precocious 12 year old applied to be the head coach of West Virginia University. Not yet out of middle school, he wants to take the reigns of a perennial top 10 program.

While WVU politely said thanks but no thanks, Irizarry certainly did not expect to be taken all too seriously by another Mountain State institution.

“Marshall offered me their offensive coordinator position,” said the 6th grader.

Irizarry, who’s lifelong dream is to coach college football, has reportedly turned the offer down.

“With the letter WVU sent me last week, I am on top of the world,” continued Irizarry. “Who cares if they said no — that letter made me a star. Why would I go and ruin that by coaching Marshall?”

Marshall coach Mark Snyder, who extended the offer, was disappointed with the rejection.

“We felt we made a good offer,” said Snyder, reached by phone for comment. “We’re not quite sure where everything went wrong.”

Irizarry expressed several reasons for turning the offer down.

“Shit, where do I start? First off, it’s Marshall. Chances are, I’d be fired within 3 years no matter how good I coached. Second, I might only be 12, but I’m only a few years from entering my sexual prime.  Why guarantee myself an STD by 15? Thanks, Coach Snyder, but I’m just fine without a painful burning sensation when I pee.”

4 Responses

  1. No one has commented, so I thought I would let you know I found this successfully parodic.

  2. ditto.
    kudos.

  3. This isnt a parody….

  4. Well this is disturbing. Placing fake quote of this nature and saying they come from a 12-year old.

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