A Fan’s Guide to Washington, DC

Thousands and thousands of Mountaineer fans will descend on our nation’s capital later today. Some of you will probably park the car, walk into the Verizon Center, and watch the game. Others, though, may want to sightsee around the center of our government. Maybe go to a museum, visit a watering hole, or hire a high-priced prostitute. For those adventurous souls, we have compiled this handy, printer-friendly guide to Washington, DC.


  • When Pierre L’Enfant designed the city, he arranged a series of diagonal avenues named after many of the states. As Mountaineer fans, we might be inclined to find West Virginia Avenue and visit it, taking many photographs. This would be a bad, bad idea. Not only is the street in a notoriously violent neighborhood, but it also gave birth to a gang named after it. And somehow, I doubt the secret handshake involves singing Country Roads.
  • The (now defunct) Emperor’s Club, Elliot Spitzer’s escort service of choice, is certainly not the only option for female companionship in the capital city. In fact, a google search for “Washington Escort Services” returns over 1.7 million results. Having tried them both, I can personally recommend Black Fantasy Escort and Tops Gay Escort Services.
  • If “paid for services” are not your thing, try Craigslist, where all the wholesome, virtuous girls look for love. I especially like “Trying 2 freak this morning while I’m alone.” If you don’t think she’s serious, she posted pictures of her being fucked in the ass. Also, try “My nipples are hot” or “Cougar Alert!”
  • The hilariously named comedy troupe Gross National Product hosts a “Scandal Tour” of Washington, DC. Described as witty and irreverent, the Scandal Tour takes you throughout the city, visiting such places as The Watergate and Gary Hart’s townhouse. Not included in the tour? The site of Charley West’s celebration Thursday night after the Arizona win. I won’t spoil the ending, but you can bet on mountains of cocaine and several dead strippers.

4 Responses

  1. As a resident of the area, I highly recommend Good Guys: http://www.goodguysclub.com/

  2. I recommend Five Guys….for burgers. There’s one near the verizon center between 8th and 9th on H st.

  3. As a former resident, I advise you to take your money and flush it down the toilet. I went there once, that is a mistake you don’t make twice. Girls are ok. They dance, and when they are done, the come over and shake your hand and you are to tip them like that. Also, and this was 5 years ago, but a Bud Light was $6 a piece! And you must always have a drink in front of you. My friend was with me, he didn’t want a 3rd drink so he told the girl no thanks. Immediately we were asked to leave. The bouncer said if we don’t buy more drinks we have to vacate our seats (which was in the back row of a really wierd set up ). There are other places to go to that are better with more girls!

  4. Times have changed. Actually, now that I think about it, I haven’t been down there for quite some time. Used to be a little hole in the wall where you could eat a burger for lunch and watch girls pick up dollar bills with their vajayjays..

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