Extra, extra, read all about it. WBGV has an exclusive
fake interview with HCBS. Charley and I were flown out to Colorado on the WVU jet to ask these probing and well thought out questions. We got some juicy information.
HCBS thanks for sitting down with us just hours before the big game.
What did you call me?
H-C-B-S, Head Coach Bill Stewart. See, we here at WBGV are lazy and try and abbreviate things to make life easy. By the way you haven’t said West By God Virginia in a long time so if you could work that in tonight on national TV it would be great. Also, if you could add a “.net” to the end it would be even better.
—stares at me like a dog watching two people have sex—–
Anyway, lets get down to business. How do you feel about tonight’s game?
We are going to come out fast and attack them from start. We have to out pop them in the mouth to show them that we mean business. We have to attackle and leave no…
Slow down now, you really need to stop saying that all the time. The effectiveness will wear off. How important is attackling going to be tonight?
If you don’t attackle, you can’t win the football game. I’m not talk about arm attackles either. I mean hardnosed head up, arm wrapped, and powering through attackling. That is how stop good teams like Colorado.
How are you handling all the criticism from WVU about the ECU loss?
Sometimes people will love you. Sometimes they will hate you. Right now they hate me because most people have cow manure for brains. I’ve got some pretty thick skin, so I can take it. Fans do need to be careful when criticizing the players. These are great young men, who lay it on the line for the people of this state every day on the practice field and every game day.
You said they didn’t play with heart during the ECU game. I should attackle you for saying that, because they are all heart. To be honest though, a lot of the people that are criticizing me need to get over the fact that the best times in their life were when they were playing high school football. Take off that letterman jacket, trade in the Trans Am, and shut up. They also need to come to grips with the reality that nobody wins every game. Do I want to win every game, dang gum right I do. By golly though, I’m a realist and in this day and age with scholarship limitations and quality of coaches nobody will win every game year after year. You are getting this old man pretty fired up.
Do you hate Rich Rodriguez?
I know you don’t think the altitude is going to affect the players much but is there anything special you will have them do during the game to fight the thin air.
I have been avoiding this question all week but I feel I can now reveal our strategy for the game tonight. (he kinda hunkers down Mr. Burns style and whispers) We are going to hold our breath out there tonight. If we don’t breath at all, the altitude can’t affect us. I am going to let them breath during warm-ups but when we run out of the tunnel for game time it is no breathing until the clock hits 0:00 in the 4th quarter.
That is why we came out so flat against ECU. That whole week we were only practicing holding our breath. We would line up on the practice field and the players had to hold it until they passed out. We built up some stamina but it hurt us a little during the ECU game. We won’t be gasping for air if we don’t breath. Pretty clever huh?
HCBS, on that note we are simply going to walk away and pray that you are joking. Good luck tonight, we will be watching. I hope we win tonight.
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