Ways To Stop Looking Stewpid


Many of you have complained over the past few weeks that our coach looks like and actually is a bumbling idiot that needs to be fired. Since I do not agree that he needs to be fired, I am offering HCBS some free advice. If he follows these easily implemented suggestions he will improve his Stewpid image, have porcelain venires, and rock hard abs.

Actually, he will only improve his image but the other two would help with the ladies and recruits.

#1

Stew should avoid the media like the plague.

When he opens his mouth one of two things occurs. He either goes into a Care Bear stare of rainbows, hearts, and sunshine. Or he shows a lack of a killer instinct that all great coaches and players possess. (quotes from Hickman’s article yesterday, here)

“And the offensive line really pass blocked well and we were tickled about that.” Tickled? What are you going to do next, go give Patrick White a raspberry on his belly after a great run? Good lord, say something manly like it made me want to head butt a midget.

“We’re not No. 8 in the country. I don’t know if we ever will be,” Stewart said Sunday. You don’t know if we ever will be number 8 in the country again? Are you fucking kidding me old man? You should be pushing your team to win a national championship every damn year.

#2

Wear some sporty and stylish shades and have someone competent beside you at all times to work your headset.

While Stew is on the sidelines he often comes across like a grandpa that needs to be shown back to his bed at the nursing home. Are you looking for your false teeth or are you trying to win a football game. Stew is younger than Pete Carroll, looks about ten years older, and acts like he has never used any technology newer than a cotton gin.

#3

Botox or plastic surgery

Your flappy skin distracts me and makes me feel uncomfortable. It has been shown over and over that attractive coaches win more than ugly coaches in college football. Sure you have the fat Mangino and Friedgen but all in all attractive coaches are more successful than fat ugly ones.

#4

Randomly show anger

Hell, you could kick the rubber pellets or dramatically take your new shades off and stare down the ref. It will make people think you have intensity. When I’m at work I randomly curse or pound my desk to make people think I’m working on something really hard and important. Perception is reality, so just act like you know what you are doing on the sideline.

17 Responses

  1. no offense to 5th year and 25413, but, where’s Charley been hiding? He’s been noticeably quiet.

  2. sex change. Takes more than a weekend.

  3. I like #4…George Costanza.

  4. No offense taken, I know I’m not that funny unless I’m on blow and the supply down here in SC has been really really low.

    Charley is on special assignment. I have not talked to him since last Monday

  5. Maybe add Crest White Strips under #3.

  6. 5th, i know a guy who know’s a guy….

  7. In other words, Stew should be Sarah Palin!

  8. 5th Year….this is funny stuff, I enjoy reading what you write and you and I are clearly on the same page my brotha.

  9. And stop licking your fingers and pushing back your eyebrows!!!!

  10. Amelia – So glad that someone else noticed – its a girl thing – but HCBS might want to try Celebrity Sexy Teeth Ultra Whitening Smile Enhancer (available online) – when we win, those pearly whites will really stand out . . .and as for another girl thing I lick my fingers and push my eyebrows up, too . . you guys with unruly eyebrows might want to give it a try. On another note I’d like to know where Charley is too. . .

  11. Add to #1: Avoid terminology that resembles Don Nehlanisms (“Good Golly”) and add some Terminator vocab (“Hasta la vista, baby” ).

  12. How about this quote from Stew—

    “If we played today, we wouldn’t want to get hit in the head,” Stewart said. “

    Now, when do you ever want to get hit in the head?

  13. I hope we win today.

  14. what do you mean win “today”?

  15. He did get rather pissed (and I suspect for dramatic effect) in the Marshall game, but more importantly he was actually talking to players and coaches. That image of him looking to the sky during our last timeout of the Colorado game while the offense was huddling to plan the last play was just awful and embarrassing.

    so I would add #5 – participate in all conversations during timeouts, even if you have nothing to contribute. your team and the fans will then thing you may be engaged to what is going on.

  16. That is what I say before every game.

  17. “When I’m at work I randomly curse or pound my desk to make people think I’m working on something really hard and important. ”

    DUDE!!!! I do that and it TOTALLY works!!!

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