Garrison Proclaims “Mission Accomplished”

President Michael S. Garrison, standing proudly beside the mast of the USS West Virginia, announced today that WVU has prevailed in the war against the Heather Bresch scandal.

When asked exactly what had been accomplished, Garrison had no comment, except to say, “I still have a job.”

At least for now.

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There Goes The Neighborhood!

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The Rodriguez-WVU saga just got very, very ugly, and it goes much deeper than simply losing a coach.

In an article this morning in the Pittsburgh Post Gazette, retired Fidelity COO (and WVU alum/donor) Bob Reynolds publicly shanks Ed Pastilong over the handling of the Rodriguez “situation.” Apparently, what once looked like a power play on Rodriguez’s part may have been the exact opposite.

“I tell you what, I’ve never seen anything mishandled as much as this was,” Bob Reynolds, former chief operating officer of Fidelity Investments, said yesterday. “Here’s a university that made a $200,000 decision — it probably could’ve cost less than that [to keep Mr. Rodriguez] — and it’s going to cost them millions” in booster support, potential bowl money and revenue from football success.

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BCS Rhymes With Mess

Stewart Mandel has a reasonably good look at the current BCS picture, also known as the Great Clusterfuck of 2007.

So long, Oklahoma. Welcome back, West Virginia.In the latest wrinkle to this year’s ever-changing national title race, the 9-1 Mountaineers not only got a much-needed road win at Cincinnati on Saturday night but benefited greatly from the Sooners’ 34-27 loss at Texas Tech. Now, West Virginia, which figures to move up to No. 4 in the new BCS Standings following its 28-23 win at Cincinnati, needs those same Sooners to turn around and win the Big 12 championship.

Obviously, the Oklahoma loss was just about the best we could have hoped for on Saturday. Assuming Sooner QB Sam Bradford is OK and they go on to beat Oklahoma State next weekend, Oklahoma should be favored against either Missouri or Kansas. That game will be played in San Antonio, meaning Oklahoma will have a decided home-field advantage (say, as opposed to the 2006 edition which was held in Kansas City).

That just gets us started. Though there shouldn’t be any surprises, we’ll back back later this evening with a full recap of both the game and the newly released BCS standings.

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The Wilner Clusterf–k


That’s the only title I can give to pollster/addict Jon Wilner’s continuing ballot catastrophe. Each week, he manages to mangle his top 25 to offend me in a different way. It’s actually quite impressive. This skill has convinced me that Jon Wilner is either a Jedi or a high school dropout. Either way, I don’t understand him.

Here is the latest masterpiece:

1. LSU
2. Oklahoma
3. Oregon

Three very good football teams. Also, three football teams who have lost a game this season. If you’re putting together a poll like this, you’re essentially telling me you don’t give two shits about the actual games. You’re just making a completely arbitrary judgment on which team you think is best. There HAS to be some way to prove yourself during the season. Could it be, I don’t know, win all your games?

4. Boston College
5. Ohio State

Hey, look what I found here: undefeated teams!

6. Missouri

Just garbage.

7. South Florida

One ranking I agree with. But I would never tell Jon that, just because if I ever did, he’d think we were best friends and buy a tandem-bicycle. I have a hard enough time getting laid without a tandem-bike, thank you very much.

8. Florida
9. Kansas
10. Kentucky

2-loss team, undefeated team, 2-loss team. Does this make any sense? When little children ask me why their parents got divorced, I always tell them, “because of Jon Wilner.” I haven’t seen any benefits yet, but one of those little rugrats will eventually grow up, hunt this guy down, and shoot him. You got to plant that seed and watch it grow.

11. West Virginia

Sigh. Wilner is slowly extinguishing my will to live. Luckily, every once in awhile, there’s a story about a girl getting fingered at a football game and my life is reborn, but in that meantime, it’s tough.

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Oakland Is In Flames


Pitt football is in a sorry state. Sure, we make fun of them win or lose, but to up and get blown out by UConn is really doing my job for me. Like shooting fish in a barrel, if that’s your thing. I’m not much of a sportsman.

This has been especially hard (or fun to watch) on Pitt fans as a group. As an example, the friendly people over at Pitt Blather are really starting to unravel emotionally. I feel that this is pretty indicative of Panthers fans as a whole. Let’s consider, for a moment, the five stages of grief as they relate to Pitt football:

  1. Denial. This has been happening since day 1 of the Wannstedt-era. The highly rated recruiting classes were the #1 culprit. Every year, Pitt fans would tout their newest acquisitions as the sole reason why Pitt football would be back on the map. “Sure you beat us by 40 this year, but we just signed Joe Montana and Lawrence Taylor.” Everything was in the future for Pitt fans. Nothing ever happened in the present. Except losses.
  2. Anger. Early on, the recruiting classes and Wannstedt’s resume were enough to get Pitt fans through the night. That all changed last year. As the losses mounted, the natives started getting restless. Continually missing bowl games, amazingly lackluster attendance, and getting spanked by WVU every year were starting to take their toll. Pitt fans were officially upset.
  3. Bargaining. Two words: Pat Bostick. Two more words: LaSean McCoy. Pitt fans invested their entire lives into these kids. “I promise I’ll start going to games if Bostick/McCoy signs. We’ll be awesome if that happens.” Classic bargaining.
  4. Depression. I believe depression officially set-in this past weekend against UConn. There was false hope as the team opened up the season 2-0. But an anemic offensive performance against Michigan State and an embarrassment against UConn were enough to make mustachioed West-Penners slit their wrists.
  5. Acceptance. This brings us back to Pitt Blather. They have finally accepted their fate of Pitt football as it currently stands, or sits, or cowers in the fetal position. Many Pitt fans probably haven’t reached this stage of defeat yet, but they will in due time. Because right now, they’re just fooling themselves.

It’s almost sad to see what Pitt football has become. Almost. While WVU is aiming at the highest reaches of college football, Pitt is begging for spare change from the UConns of the world. If you’re a Pitt fan, it’s enough to make you puke.

Then again, just being a Pitt fan is enough to make me puke.

On Location: My Basement


Well, the basement is stocked and ready to go for a long day of football. I hope you guys are too, because I will be updating this thread throughout the day. If you ever wanted to know what it would be like to watch 10 hours of football with me, this is your lucky day.

Here we go….

11:45 — Lee Corso just told America that Nebraska needs to beat USC with the “forward pass.” Brilliant. You know those GameDay commercials where Corso is working out with 1950s era equipment? That makes a lot more sense now.

11:53 — I am really glad Nebraska fans didn’t go for the cliched “black-out.” Too many schools are going with this stupid trend. Plus, red just says Nebraska.

11:58 — Well, Corso just picked Ohio State, Michigan, and USC. I feel 250% better about my “interest” in Washington, Louisville, and Nebraska today.

12:05 — I have already given up on Pam Ward. It wasn’t even her fault. I just can’t bring myself to watch Purdue-Central Michigan. What an awful game. Who cares if former WVUer Butch Jones is coaching. I’ll keep checking in periodically, but it looks like Pitt-Michigan State for me.

12:10 — This Washington game is great. They look like they have a chance against Michigan State. Oh, wait. That’s Pitt? Why the hell are they wearing purple pants?

12:22 — Not even a sell-out at Michigan State. I’m not sure who this makes look worse, Michigan State fans for not showing up or Pitt for not giving them a reason to show up?

12:30 — What the hell are Wisconsin and Penn State doing? Wisconsin is tied 7-7 with The Citadel and Penn State is DOWN 0-3 to Buffalo. The Big Ten is STRONG.

12:35 — Can we stop with the Barry Sanders comparisons? A running back makes one shifty move and all of a sudden he is Barry Sanders. Andre Ware just made the comparison with LeSean McCoy after he broke a tackle. It wasn’t even that impressive.

12:36 — Now, if you want to compare Devine to Sanders, go right ahead.

12:40 — Is anybody else really creeped out by the Hanes Cuba Gooding/Michael Jordan commercial? Actually, at this point, I’m just really creeped out of Cuba Gooding. Anyone who is in a movie called Daddy Day Care shouldn’t at the same time be doing underwear ads. Pedophile.

12:55 — I will give LeSean McCoy credit: he does look good. In fact, I am going to compare him to LaDainian Tomlinson AND Barry Sanders. He’s the best running back that’s ever lived. Ever!

1:00 — Michigan State returns an INT for a touchdown. 14-7 MSU. Pitt has 0 passing yards. How much longer can they keep Pat Bostick on the bench? Knowing Dave Wannstedt, way too long.

1:05 — OK, this is getting silly. I am 100% sure I know more about football than Dave Wannstedt. With that knowledge, I would put Pat Bostick in the game. What will Dave do? Probably soil himself and then come up with a new plan.

1:15 — Andre Ware is trying to find ways to get Pitt QB Kevin Smith comfortable. You know how I would do it? Find him a nice comfy seat on the bench.

1:18 — Cincinnati is just killing Miami (Ohio). They might not be ready to contend in the Big EAST this year, but look out for them next year.

1:20 — Jason Richardson is tall.

1:22 — The Citadel has tied it at 14 with Wisconsin. This would a fantastic day if another top 10 Big Ten team were to lose at home to a 1-AA, err, Football Championship Series team.

1:28 — This is the single worst article I have read in my entire life. And remember, when you write a WVU blog, you have to read Chuck Landon. Seriously, these two fucksticks passed this off as journalism?

1:30 — Credit to Dave Wannstedt. He can give a halftime interview in complete jibberish and keep his job. What did he just say?

…I am going to take a short break for lunch. Be back before 2:00…

1:55 — Back. While I was busy getting lunch, Wisconsin was busy embarrassing themselves in Madison. Remember, Appalachian State was the two-time defending I-AA champion. The Citadel? Not.

2:00 — Exact quote from Andre Ware, “I wonder how long it will take Dave Wannstedt and Matt Cavanaugh to realize they have a wide-open guy?” What is the over/under? An hour? Next Tuesday? Never?

2:03 — I am tempted to add a “clusterfuck” tag to this post in honor of Pitt’s offense.

2:10 — We have to see Bostick here, right? I mean, he has no choice. Only an idiot would keep him out. Let’s see what happens…

2:13 — Yep, Wannstedt’s a fucking retard.

2:15 — Quick question: what is the bigger upset? Appalachian State over #5 Michigan or (potentially) The Citadel over #7 Wisconsin? Discuss.

2:20 — Just as I type that, Wisconsin takes a 28-21 lead.

2:23 — If you’re watching ESPN in Charleston, we keep seeing a commercial for Quaker Steak that proclaims, “live it, love it, lube it!” Is it just me, or does that mean something completely different?

2:27 — Drew Neitzel is just proof that if you work hard enough and believe in yourself, even a Neo-Nazi can succeed in college basketball.

2:35 — Finally, VT gets on the board against Ohio. A lot of good teams struggling early against bad, bad football teams. Penn State is the only one who has really recovered to pull away.

2:41 — I doubt this video would be made about The Citadel:

2:48 — Neither of these teams deserve to win this game. Just atrocious football on both sides.

2:51 — Well, Wisconsin has finally ended The Citadel’s dreams of replicating Appy State. How about Minnesota, though? Down two THREE touchdowns to Florida fuck Atlantic?

2:57 — I don’t like to defend Pitt, but that was a great play by Aaron Berry. Bullshit pass interference call.

3:07 — HUGE stop by Pitt. Let’s see how Wannstedt will screw this next drive up.

3:08 — Well, that didn’t take long.

3:18 — Pitt has had way too many opportunities to take control of this game. If they don’t win it on this last drive, they’ll have no one to blame but themselves.

3:22 — Kevan Smith is a joke of a QB. Taking sacks, fumbling, etc. etc. This guy couldn’t start for any team in the WVIAC let alone win a game on the road. If Bostick isn’t ready to start next week, something is seriously wrong.

3:30 — OK, so Pitt officially goes down at Michigan State. Not a big surprise there. We have a lot more exciting games to look forward to at 3:30: Ohio State @ Washington and Tennessee @ Florida are the two big ones. I’m still going strong, so if you’re still tuned in, we should keep this going through 7 tonight.

3:32 — Big fan of both Florida and Washington in these next two games. Banking on both Tim Tebow and Tim Tebow II (also known as Jake Locker) to beat two of my least favorite teams in the world: Tennessee and Ohio State.

3:35 — What happened to Dr. Jack Arute? He’s just plain Jack now. Did he lose his license? This should be a bigger story.

3:38 — Just realize that it’s Dr. Jerry Punch, not Jack Arute. I’m an idiot.

3:42 — This is going to get a LOT worse for Tennessee. They are going to get taken to the woodshed in this one. Also, fuck Phil Fulmer. You can’t spell Citrus without UT.

3:45 — Well, Auburn sure made last week’s USF win look pretty silly now.

3:50 — My prayers for a bus accident before the Notre Dame/Michigan went unanswered. Well, it’s on to plan B: meteor. C’mon meteor.

3:57 — Props to the guy in the front row of the UW-Ohio State game wearing the non-descript “Austin” t-shirt that has nothing to do with Texas. So far, you’re the front-runner for douchebag of the day.

4:02 — Speaking of Texas, they are one of the most overrated teams in the country. UCF apparently feels the same way, taking a 7-3 lead early at their new on-campus stadium.

4:09 — Zach Johnson, if he can birdie 18, will shoot 59 in the Tour Championship. If you’re wondering why there is a post not about college football, let me say this: fuck off.

4:10 — Sorry, that was harsh. I love you all.

4:12 — Tracy Wolfson just pronounced the school as “App-a-latch-I-ane State” Interesting. Awfully nice of them to hire a mental deficient as a sideline reporter.

4:22 — Tim Tebow just owned Tennessee on that last drive. He looks like the read deal. Just think how good he could be if he wasn’t wearing jean shorts underneath his football pants.

4:25 — Washington just got robbed of a TD. Referees continue the longest blow job in history with Ohio State.

4:35 — Going on a beer run. Back soon.

5:00 — Well, that took longer than expected. Back now though. Looking to wrap this up pretty soon.

5:05 — New Hampshire 14 Marshall 0. You read that right. Think Marshall played about 1000% above their heads last week? If you didn’t believe it before, you’ll believe it now. Marshall sucks.

5:07 — Looking pretty smart for my Florida takes Tennessee to the woodshed prediction.

5:12 — In hindsight, Pitt’s loss at Michigan State just doesn’t matter. The Big EAST is strong enough that the conference doesn’t need Pitt to be good anymore. Cincinnati might as well take that mantle now. What’s the big difference between the schools? Sure Pitt has more history, but Cincinnati looks like they’re going in the right direction toward making their own history.

5:15 — Notre Dame is offensively bad. No, they’re not bad on offense, they’re so bad they are offending me.

5:20 — I love Ron Franklin, but who the hell is Ed Cunningham? Sounds like he should run a bowling alley somewhere in Iowa. Not a bad color-man, just very white bread.

5:30 — Ladies and gentleman, that’s all she wrote for me. After 6 hours, I just can’t be witty anymore. To be honest with you, I stopped being witty after about an hour. This won’t be the last of the live blogging experiment, but next time, I might just pick one game or one event instead of an entire day. Thanks for reading.

Want to join in on the fun? Leave your thoughts in the comments…

I Would Have Bought You Guys A Laptop…Or At Least An Atari


OK, when this news broke a few days ago, I wanted it to go away. I even did what I always do when the bad things happen: I got in bed and didn’t get out. Sure I got fired from RadioShack and my online girlfriend left me, but at least I didn’t have to deal with anything really troubling.

(Actually, I got up to look at porn and drink a Capri Sun. But then it was right back to bed.)

Of course I am talking about the arrest/suspension/general douchebaggery of J.T. Thomas and Ellis Lankster. Both were expected to be starters. Now both are looking at jail time. Fantastic. Is it too late to get Perlo Bastien another year of eligibility?

I realize that last statement isn’t funny, but it’s hard to be funny when all you have in your life is a blog, your parent’s basement, porn and Capri Sun.

Actually, that’s a lie. This is the fucking life. Minus the arrested/suspended players, of course.