Thanks For Noticing

[Courtesy of Forbes]

Did You Know: Maryland

Maryland has three different players with hyphenated last names: Darrius Heyward-Bey, Brandon Jackson-Mills, and Emani Lee-Odai. Damn women’s lib movement. Take his last name, quit your job, and get in the kitchen already. The meatloaf’s not going to cook itself.

Ralph Friedgen is not fat. Oh to the contrary. Everyone else is just anorexic.

Junior linebacker Erin Henderson is former Maryland star E.J. Henderson’s younger sister. She’s a lousy linebacker. And a huge slut.

Stacy Keibler is from Maryland. Well, there’s one good thing.

In a recently announced marketing deal, Maryland will now play in Chevy Chase Bank Field at Byrd Stadium. At the game, each fan will receive a voucher for a free check-card as well as an apology for Fletch Lives.

I just saw a commercial for Vagisil on TBS. This doesn’t have a lot to do with Maryland, except that they’re all pussies.

Baltimore has the highest violent crime rate in the nation. I would guess that Maryland grads account for at least 95% of this statistic. Give or take.

If you didn’t know, a terrapin is a turtle. Maryland’s mascot is a turtle. Yeah, I would laugh too. The Diamondback Terrapin is also the state reptile of the state of Maryland. Keep laughing. I am.

During his 3 years at Maryland, Shawne Merriman was responsible for the distribution of steroids to the entire football team. Also, this may not be true. Don’t sue me Shawne.

That’s A Huge Bitch

Listen, we all know Ralph Friedgen is fat. I know that making fun of him for being is fat is played out. Any hack can do it.

But c’mon, is he getting fatter? Did he eat 3 recruits? If you play for Maryland, how in the world do you respect the guy ordering you to run wind-sprints when he’s yelling at you from his convalescent golf cart?

This is just ridiculous. Luckily, I am going to take the high road and not make fun of him. Not one bit.

But know that I really, really want to.