She’s On Stronger Shit Than Jesse Spano

OK, here’s the setup. Oklahoma is beating North Texas 63-3. North Texas, early in the 4th quarter, scores a 69 yard touchdown to close the gap to 63-9. Before North Texas kicks the extra point, the camera shows the Oklahoma cheerleaders intentionally looking sad because they got scored on (something they’re probably used to in their personal lives).

Well, most of them were looking sad. All but one, actually…

What in the world is wrong with the second to last cheerleader? She looks like a rabid raccoon. She has to be on drugs. Strong, powerful drugs. She probably smoked marijuana once on a dare two years ago and next thing you know she’s sleeping with drug dealers across town to score more junk. Get it? It’s a gateway drug.

Try not to stare directly at her as you’ll probably spontaneously develop Irritable Bowel Syndrome or something.

Better Know A Victory: Western Michigan

Throughout the season, we will be inviting fans of opposing teams to sit down and talk with us in the week leading up the actual game. Unfortunately, we couldn’t find any Western Michigan fans. So, we had to improvise. In the first part of the series, “Better Know A Victory,” this is a transcript of how we believe an interview with a Western Michigan would go, if one existed:

Stiles: You’re coming off two of the most successful years in school history. Pre-season expectations are sky high. You have a tremendous amount of talent on the offensive side of the ball. How do you see your team coming into the season? Oh wait, that’s WVU. Well then, tell me a little bit about this Western Michigan team in 50 words or less.

Western Michigan Fan: Western Michigan is a four-year public research institution in Kalamazoo, Michigan. We also have a football team. That team is nicknamed the Broncos. Apparently, though I’m not sure, there is another team called the Broncos in Denver. Since I’ve never heard of them, we’re probably better than them. Does that answer your question?

Stiles: Not really.

You have a football team? I thought the Western Michigan water polo team was going to take on West Virginia. Glad we cleared that up. Let’s talk about last year first. Going over the schedule, it looks like you gave Florida State a tough game. What were the keys last year and how do they build upon this years team?

WMU: Well, we knew going in that the entire Florida State team had contracted herpes during their time in Tallahassee. Once we broke into their hotel and stole all their Valtrex, we had faith in our chances to beat the spread. Unfortunately, in the end, we simply had too many white players on our team.

As far as the keys to this season, we really feel we’re on the right track. We got trounced in a bowl game by Cincinnati, but at least we got to a bowl game. It was in Toronto, so I didn’t go, but my buddy Jim said it was great. Actually, he didn’t go either. Plus, we just brought in the 106th ranked recruiting class in the nation, which is far from last. So like I said, we could possibly potentially be going in the right direction.

Stiles: Well, tell us where you think your team is going in the right direction (other than the profits of selling Valtrex on the black market)…

WMU: Well, we’ve got a great coach in Bill Cubit. We’re also predicted to win the MAC West this year. Stop laughing, that wasn’t meant to be a joke. Seriously. We lost our star quarterback, Ryan Cubit, to either a tragic shark attack or graduation, I can’t remember. I’m pretty sure it was shark attack. Our defense was very good at getting to the QB and recording sacks last year, mostly because we employed our new “tickle the hell out of them” scheme. It’s way ahead of it’s time. So like I said, we’re going in the right direction.

Stiles: What are the areas of concern when going up against a well oiled machine like WVU?

WMU: Well, you guys are really good. Plus, if you’re covered in oil, it will be a lot tougher to tackle you. Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s illegal. Just know I am having my compliance officer take a look into it. Also, I’ll first need to hire a compliance officer.

We really know you guys can really run the ball. Hell, I was watching Steve Slaton in our game film lab (OK, YouTube on my home IBM) and nearly shit myself (OK, I actually shit myself). This is a good ballclub. We just hope to keep it close and get out of the stadium without any of our fans getting hurt (OK, we don’t have any fans).

Stiles: That is barely readable.

WMU: Yeah, pretty much.

Stiles: Taking all that you’ve said into account (although it hasn’t been of much substance), how do you see the game playing out at Mountaineer Field?

WMU: Well, I think we shock the nation and take an early lead. Your team, being a bunch of guys with overinflated egos, doesn’t know what to do. We keep punching you in the mouth and keep the lead through halftime. WVU puts up a valiant comeback late, but is stuffed on 4th and goal from the 1 yard line with no time remaining and Western Michigan escapes, 28-24.

In the interest of full disclosure, I am on a 3 day peyote bender.

Well, that certainly was a waste of time. Hope you enjoyed it.

Pitt Is Worse At Football Than This

I would bet some of the players do more LSD, too. Eh, probably not possible.