What Is That Smell?

Normally, West Virginia ships its trash to New Jersey but this Saturday the trash will be sent back our way as Rutgers visits Morgantown. The Schiano Knights are coming off a HUGE win against FCS opponent Morgan State. Now that is a win you can build your program around.

Rutgers has never won in Morgantown and look to continue that tradition by building on its 1-3 season record with a loss to the Mountaineers on Saturday. While I will not be in attendance I can picture the scene now.

Wavy lines and that doooodoooodooodooodooodooo noise….

Rutgers Football: We Barely Knew ‘Ye

Big Weekend For Big East

Tonight is very important for the Big East. Counter to internet rumors the Big East and Playboy will not be announcing a patnership to test the idea of naked cheerleaders on the sideline. Some bullshit about family friendly environments was the stumbling block between the parties. To me, this would have presented a great opportunity to begin the birds and bees discussion.

Rather, the importance of tonight for the Big East lies in the matchup of Rutgers v. UNC. This is an opportunity for a middle tier Big East team to destroy a middle tier ACC team on national TV. As much talk as there has been about the dominance of the SEC. There has been equal discussion on how bad the ACC and Big East has been so far this season. This is the first match-up of a weekend with some huge OOC games for Big East teams.

In the spirit of kicking my crack habit and Big East togetherness I will do a live blog during tonight’s game. So stop in for commentary on everything from hot cheerleaders to how much people from New Jersey smell. Also, if you’re a betting man take Rutgers at -4.

Rutgers Student Gameday Diary!

9:00 a.m. Why the fuck is it so loud outside, who is this skank beside me, and why the fuck am I wet? Oh shit, I pissed the bed again, “MAAAAA.” I’m at school my ma isn’t here…don’t cry think. This skank isn’t up yet so I’m going to roll her ass to the wet side and blame this on her.

9:15 Damn this girl is fat what was I thinking? Oh yeah, I can’t do any better than this I go to Rutgers. Hey skank wake up you pissed the bed. Get the hell out.

9:30 Shit dawg, we play those hillbillies from western Virginia today. Time to get ready

11:30 That didn’t take as long as I thought and I look good. All black today and I look good. I hope I put enough gel and hairspray in my hair to hold up to the rain. Someone get me a Heineken and a Red Bull.

11:31 I’m already fucking hammered drunk and ready to rage in that stadium. CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP

11:32 I’m so drunk I just threw up off the deck. When are we going to the club? Fuck, I meant stadium I’m so drunk I can’t even think straight.

12:15 GAME TIME BITCHES! I’m actually matching the team today that is sssuppperrr. CHOP CHOP CHOP CHOP

12:30 I’m wetter now than I was this morning in my bed. We better score a touchdown soon or I’m going to be pissed. These rednecks are fast but we can chop wood.

12:35 Damn, they scored. Roid rage building.

12:57 Damn, they scored again. Roid rage building. We need to do something so I can use all the redneck jokes like are you married to your fuckin’ sister.

1:45 17 – 3 at half this sucks my left nut which is small because I do steroids but the fat chicks love muscle.

3:15 We just lost again to those fucking hillbillies and I can’t control the roid rage. I’m going to beat some mountaineers’ ass. Yo, sister fucker, fuck your momma or your wife whatever that fat cow is walking beside you. Let’s rumble!

4:30 Where am I? My head hurts and I’m bleeding. I just got knocked the fuck out!

Karma’s A Bitch!

Returning home yesterday from the mall, karma reared its ugly head. I, for some unknown reason, decided to STOP at a stop sign. The car behind me decided to keep going and then BOOM, let’s call the driver “Tiffany.”

Because I’m such a calm and easy going guy, I got out of the car and politely asked, “What the FUCK are you doing?” She was still yapping it up on her cell phone until she saw steam come out of my ears. This is when she did what any girl would do and started to CRY.

As a guy we are supposed to comfort crying girls but she hit my car and I was not calming down. She was loud, had big hair, HUGE hoop earrings, and was driving her daddy’s beamer. Actually she was wearing sweats, had her hair in a pony tail, and was driving a Taurus.

Then she backed up her car and I saw her front license plate, NEW JERSEY. This made me laugh, look up into the rain, and say, “Damn Karma’s a bitch.” Luckily, there was only a slight dent and yours truly is uninjured.

Some would stop making fun of people from Jersey after this incident, but I’m going to carry you for you loyal readers.

Jersey Alarm Clock

Sleep With Me Instead

Why Jersey?

If you live in New Jersey I have to ask you one question, why? Why, would you put yourself through the smell and high probability of contracting a STD by simply breathing?

Yes, you may be able to find hair gel and CK One cologne on every street corner, but it is New Jersey. People get stabbed for their K-Swiss shoes everyday. This person is your next door neighbor.

I bet people in New Jersey hate the fact that they live there too. If only there were a college to do a study about this fact. Oh wait, there is.

Greg Schiano Hunter

Take the New Jersyian, for example, my favorite animal. There are 23 species. Seventeen of those species are rare or endangered. Sixteen of which have some type of sexually communicable disease. They’re on the way out, no matter what anyone does or says, you know. No matter how many weights they lift, they just can’t make it in this new world.

But today, today we’re hoping to get lucky. We’re on the search for one of the most dangerous and elusive New Jerseyians in all the land. In fact, only one of these massive “guidos” is known to exist. To find him, we must search in his natural habitat: the club. The club most resembles the savannahs of Africa. An open plain where danger lurks right around the corner. This is a kill or be killed world, to be sure.

We can distinguish this particular guido by the prominent gap in his front teeth. But don’t get too close, as he is very, very dangerous. Because when he strikes it can be that quick that if they’re within range, you’re dead, you’re dead in your tracks. Outside of the Komodo Dragon, Greg Schiano is THE single most dangerous predator. He’s absolutely ruthless.

CRIKEY, there he is. It’s Greg Schiano. Now stand back everyone, don’t get too close. Marvel at the beauty of his hair, groomed perfectly with gel and product.

And look, he’s sired a brood of younger guidos. This is absolutely fantastic. The endangered species is being rebuilt. But we must be careful. When he’s protecting his young, he’s especially dangerous. The entire brood might react as if on cocaine. They’re that unstable.

Look at the beauty of the brood. Watch as they move as a group throughout the club, flirting with each female New Jersyian. Look as the bigger guido is more dominant with the female as the smaller ones stay to the back and lick themselves.

Quite the sight indeed!

[I have no idea who originally photoshopped this, but I first saw it on The Sports Nirvana, so credit goes to them — for now. Feel free to correct me.]

The Girls Of The Garden State

At WBGV, we strive to bring you only the very best in women and only the very average of humor. In that vein, here are the hottest women New Jersey has to offer:

Clara Barton

Elisabeth Shue

Bette Midler

Ali Larter

Jon Bon Jovi

Kelly Ripa

Linda Tripp

Jersey Student’s Gameday Diary

My alarm started that buzz buzz buzz at noon and I was like fucking get oudda heee. Who’da hell set my alarm so early on a Saturday? If I find out who’da hell set it I’m gonna bash his face in with a bat.

Aww dawg now I remember WVU has a football game today. YEAH, somebody get me a JAGERBOMB.

I better get in the shower if I’s gonna to get any time to tailgate and act like a cocksucker. It takes at least 2 hours for me to blowout my hair, put on my red Armani shirt, headband, and oversized silver chain.

Oh shit, WVU’s colors are blue and gold. Whateva’ gold and blue. I don’t give a fuck, the girls are going to see this red shirt and wanna fuck me right in The Pit.

I love this mirror because it makes me look like a fuckin’ pimp. My hair almost fills up the whole damn mirror. This shit could put some pussy’s eye out. I love it, you love, bitches love it, HELL YEAH, JAGERBOMB.

Now let me think, where’da hell is the stadium? Fuck that hurt, I’ll just ask one of my boys. I can’t go anywhere yet ‘cause I gotta wait for my boys to get heee.

If my group ain’t rollin’ 10 deep with sausage, I ain’t goin’ nowheres ‘cause I’ll get my ass kicked if I walk anywheres alone.

Finally, at the stadium and I need a JAGERBOMB and a Corona. What no Corona? Only keg beer, fuck it I’ll just throw a cup on the ground after every beer to make it feel like Jersey, I LOVE TRASH.

Why is everyone leaving it is only 3:00? The first quarter won’t be over until at least 4:15 and I ain’t goin’ in until then.

It’s 4:00 and I’m fuckin’ drunk and if anybody wants to fight I will kick their ass, with the help of my 10 boys who are tough as shit.

Wow, we are already up HUGE. This game will be over in 15 minutes. What’da fuck are you talkin’ about the game is over after the second half. A football game is two halves? I don’t give a fuck I’m still leaving at halftime and never coming back.