Rodriguez First Hispanic Coach To Be Fired

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ANN ARBOR — In a historic move for a country with a once-checkered racial past, Illinois Senator Barack Obama, an African-American, was last night elected President of the United States. Today, in that same vein, the University of Michigan has made a similar bold move: making Rich Rodriguez the first Hispanic ex-coach in Wolverine history.

Bill Martin, Michigan’s athletic director, felt his school was ready for such a move.  “If the election of Barack Obama has taught us anything, it’s that this great country is becoming a much more progressive place,” Martin said. “The University of Michigan is no different.  We felt comfortable taking a leap of faith in making Rich Rodriguez the first Hispanic former coach in UM history.  It’s a proud day.”

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Rodriguez’s Agent Contacts Clemson

Damn bro, that was quick.

With the ink on Tommy Bowden’s dismissal not even dry, “The Product’s” agent (Mike Brown, seen here) has contacted Clemson to show interest in the job. I knew Fraud would look to move on to greener pastures but this was so fast and slutty even a sorority girl would be proud.

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Please Remember To Celebrate Responsibly

With college football season now just hours away, I though this the best time for a public service announcement.

There will be a lot of big wins this season, and at times, you may feel yourself wanting to celebrate. Like, a lot. Like with tons of booze, a can of gasoline, and a box of matches. To that, I say. “Go nuts!” Have fun. You’re young and you only live once, blah, blah, blah, etc. Just don’t burn my couch.

But, just as there will be big wins, there will also be big losses. Appalachian State’s win over Michigan Michigan’s loss to Appalachian State last year immediately comes to mind. As does Utah’s victory over Michigan Michigan’s crushing defeat to Utah this Saturday (remember, I can see the future). At these points, instead of celebrating, it might seem more appropriate to gently masturbate while sobbing in the public dorm shower. To that, I say “No!” And the University of Michigan agrees with me.

So no matter what happens this year — whether there be wins (see: WVU) or losses (see: Michigan) — just be responsible. Because couch fires are eventually extinguished, but semen related costs are forever.

[Blog of Hilarity — thanks to voodoostick]

The Check Actually Was In The Mail

In an almost stunning turn of events — considering our recent track record with this sort of thing — John Beilein sent WVU a check for $290,000. This represented the first installment of the $1.5 million he owes the school due to his contract buyout.

Beilein made the first payment “under protest” and again expressed his displeasure with the liquidated damages clause. He called it “unenforceable” and said it is “grossly disproportional to any actual damages that may have been incurred by the University and is void as a matter of public policy.”

Beilein also left open the possibility he might contest the settlement in the future.

“At this time, I have chosen not to initiate legal proceedings to declare the Agreement and the related liquidated damages provision in the Employment Agreement void but reserve my right to seek future action,” he wrote.

“I urge the University to stop using the liquidated damages provision in its employment contracts because such provisions are illegal, onerous, and violate public policy.”

Eh, who cares. As long as the check clears, he can huff and puff all he wants.

To be honest with you, I would be disappointed if he didn’t. After all, he’s stuck in a basketball quagmire in Ann Arbor while CBH might have a Final Four caliber team in Morgantown next year.

This does, however, officially move Beilein below Rodriguez on the WVU hate power rankings. Here is the updated list:

  1. Rich Rodriguez
  2. Adolph Hitler
  3. Josef Stalin
  4. Yanni
  5. John Beilein

As long as the check clears.

[Mike Casazza @ Daily Mail]

Michigan Snubbed By Selection Committee

ANN ARBOR — In a stunning turn of events, Michigan was omitted from the NCAA tournament Sunday evening.

Despite a 10-22 overall record (5-13 in conference play), the selection committee felt the Wolverines’ resume just wasn’t quite strong enough. Michigan’s RPI of 172 was slightly below that of teams normally invited teams, though their strength of schedule ranked a very respectable 26th.

“To be honest with you, I’m not sure what more we could have done,” said Michigan coach John Beilein. “We played a strong non-conference schedule. In past years, that’s what the Committee has looked toward.”

This year, however, the Tournament Committee took a different angle.

“Well, you actually have to win those non-conference games,” said Tom O’Connor, George Mason AD and Committee Chair. “I’m pretty sure even my son knows that, and he’s four.”

Michigan lost at #8 Georgetown, at #10 Butler, at #9 Duke, and home to #2 UCLA. They also fell at Boston College, at Harvard, at Western Kentucky, and home to Central Michigan. Of course, they soundly defeated both Brown and Oakland.

The snubbing was especially hard on the Michigan players, who assembled at Crisler Arena for a “televised” watch party.

“We had originally planned for ESPN to come,” said Beilein, “but they felt Michigan State deserved it more. Assistant Coach Jerry Dunn brought his 8mm though, so we really didn’t miss ESPN. Plus Kathleen [Beilein] made 7-layer dip, which was delightful.”

The Starting QB for the University of Michigan

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