Things I Would Rather Do Than Watch Syracuse and Northwestern Play “Football”

Syracuse and Northwestern open their respective seasons this Saturday, playing a game that could end the very existence of college football. Here is a list of things I would rather do than watch that game, as if the post title wasn’t descriptive enough:

• Have sex with the girl on the right.
• Colonoscopy.
• Help Rich Rodriguez move.
• Accept Dave Wannstedt’s invitation for a mustache ride.
• Watch Ohio @ Wyoming.
• Actually care what MGoBlog has to say about Mountaineer football.
• Extra colonoscopy, just for fun.
• Naked pillow fight with Pam Ward.
• Let Pat McAfee kick me in the nuts.
• Watch Illinois State @ Marshall.
• Drive Rich Rodriguez to the airport.
• Intentionally expose myself to harmful carcinogens (though, it could be argued that Syracuse vs. Northwestern is a harmful carcinogen).
• Not have sex with Erin Andrews.
• Watch James Madison @ Duke.
• Water Rich Rodriguez’s plants while he’s on the road.
• Third colonoscopy, this time without any anesthetic.
• Enroll in classes at Pitt.
• Dry hump a 2×4 full of splinters.
• Commit seppuku, a Japanese form of ritualistic suicide by disembowelment.
• Attend a NAMBLA meeting.
• Poke my own eye out with my 1998 Insight Bowl commemorative lapel pin.
• Masturbate to Brazilian fart porn.

Please, feel free to add your own in the comments.

When Our Work Is Done For Us

We applaud you Mountaineer basketball.

We take pride here at WBGV in talking as much shit towards other teams as possible. But, we also take pride in sitting on our ass and letting other people do the job for us. That’s why your post game press conference was a thing of beauty. It killed the proverbial two birds with the proverbial one stone.

So, take it away Mountaineers…

The Starting QB for the University of Michigan

Tonight’s Game Was….

UPDATE: Make foul shots.

Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots. Make foul shots.

Hoya Saxa… And Other Jibberish

If you want to read a preview of tonight’s game against Georgetown, I would advise you not to read on. Seriously, stop reading. Instead, go here, here, or even here. Once there, reputable journalists will tell you all you think you need to know about Georgetown.

But if you want the real truth, you listen to me.

The Definitive Hate List (Updated)

If you’re like me, you’re always confused as to who to hate. One week you’re pulling for a team, the next you want them to lose. Such is life in this BCS sweepstakes that we find ourselves. Well, fear not, minions. WBGV is here to take all the guess-work out of your everyday existence. No, we can’t tell you if your son is on drugs or if your neighbor has been stealing your lawn ornaments — yet — but we can tell you who to hate.

This is not sometimes, when-I-get-around-to-it hate. This is pure-all-the-time hate.

UPDATE: Find the new additions at the end of the list.

Let’s get the easy ones out of the way first:

Pitt

This is the easiest of the easy, to hate and to beat. Zing! Seriously, Pitt has zero redeeming qualities. Hate with regard to neither women, children, the elderly, or kittens.

Marshall

The red-headed step-child that all of us keep locked in the basement. Oh, you don’t have one? Yeah, stop lying.

Virginia Tech

Who cares if we don’t play them anymore, my hate still burns bright. So should your’s.

Louisville

Our new biggest rival. Down this year, though they should be back in years to come. Unless they keep Steve Kragthorpe, who enjoys losing football games, cross-dressing, and body-painting.

OK, those are the biggest 4. Then there’s the rest of the football Big EAST:

USF
Cincinnati
Syracuse
UConn
Rutgers

Then we have to get to the Big EAST basketball schools:

DePaul
Georgetown
Marquette
Providence
St. John’s
Seton Hall
Villanova

Of course, I intentionally omitted Notre Dame, not because they’re not on the list, but because they deserve their own section:

Notre Dame

The most hated of the hated, not just by us, by everyone. Even the Aryan Brotherhood and the Mexican Mafia think Notre Dame is evil. Now if we just get the entire school into a California prison…

Now we have to get a little more creative:

Penn State.
The Big Ten, but not Northwestern.
ESPN, the network, not the individual letters. Except P.
Lee Corso.
College football analysts with an SEC bias. These include all of them.
Dan Dakich.
College basketball analysts with an ACC bias.
Jay Bilas. See above.
Miami Hurricanes.
Real, actual hurricanes.
The entire state of New Jersey.
Mike’s Hard Lemonade, and any variation.
Bobby Bowden.
Sex and the City, the show and the impending movie.
John Beilein.
Lane Stadium.
Spiders, the insect, not of Richmond. Though their prior affiliation with Beilein is troubling.
Michael Vick.
Osama Bin Laden.
USC.
Texas.
Nebraska.
Maid in Manhattan.
Lou Holtz. Fuck you for 1988. Fuck. You.
The ref who called the technical foul in the 1998 Sweet 16.
Donovan McNabb.
Doug Flutie.

Stay with me, there’s more…

Warren Sapp.
Lee Suggs and Kevin Jones.
The student gate at Mountaineer Field.
Jay Mariotti.
Old Pitt Stadium. What a fucking dump.
Frank Beamer. It’s funny because his burn makes him look like a turkey.
Phil Fulmer. Nothing really to do with WVU, but just hate on principle. Trust me.
The 2001 football season.
The 2001-2002 basketball season. Two words: Drew Catlett.
Roger Staubach. Wow, was he fucking good. And three times as old as me.
Marcus Vick. Statutory rape is funny when it’s not your daughter.
The UVA pep band.
When they pave paradise and put up a parking lot. Unless it’s the Blue Lot.
Rick Pitino.
Adolf Hitler.
Jim Boeheim.
Joseph Stalin.
Jim Calhoun.
Jim Calhoun. Get it? Zing!
Elderly drivers. Turn off your damn turn signal!
The student section. Unless you’re a student, and then…
The alumni section. Unless you’re an alumnus, and then…
Not having a school golf course.
Paul Pasqualoni.
Stuart Scott. Or is it Linda Cohn I hate more? Eh, who can decide…
Linda Cohn.
Jewel. We get it, you lived in your van.

New inductions to the hate list:

Boston College. No excuse for me leaving these fucks off the list.
Kellen Winslow. Sure I might secretly love him as a Browns fan, but you can still openly hate him.
Steven A. Smith. I LOVE THESE CHEESE DOODLES!
Chevy Troutman: What a no-talent ass clown.
Perlo Bastien. Yes, we can hate our own. And he’s easy to hate.
Bucky Waters. No one has a more inflated view of their own place in Mountaineer history.

…and last, but certainly not least…

Marvin Graves and Tremain Mack. Don’t tell me you haven’t been thinking about these two names since you started reading this list. They are the reason this list exists. Outside of the big four and Notre Dame, Marvin Graves and Tremain Mack might elicit more blind hatred than anyone else.

OK, that’s the list. If I’ve missed anyone — and there have to be more — nominations are being taken in the comments.

Rutgers Football: A Timeline

Rutgers fans, as we all know, are unbearably proud of their recent achievements in football. Unfortunately, at least for us, they completely ignore over 100 years of history in putridity, which I’m pretty sure is a word.

So, as I am always in the mood to shut up a Rutgers fan, I present to you a very simple timeline. It shows Rutgers football, both then and now.

First, then (1994)…

Look at Jon Cryer dancing in that sea of humanity. There were tens of people both in the stands and at the tailgates. The buzz around the stadium was unbelievable. And you couldn’t even hear the background music of the “R — U” cheers. Wow, just wow.

OK, how about we fast forward 13 years to “now”…

…and they’ve regressed.

The Definitive Hate List

If you’re like me, you’re always confused as to who to hate. One week you’re pulling for a team, the next you want them to lose. Such is life in this BCS sweepstakes that we find ourselves. Well, fear not, minions. WBGV is here to take all the guess-work out of your everyday existence. No, we can’t tell you if your son is on drugs or if your neighbor has been stealing your lawn ornaments — yet — but we can tell you who to hate.

This is not sometimes, when-I-get-around-to-it hate. This is pure-all-the-time hate.

Let’s get the easy ones out of the way first:

Pitt

This is the easiest of the easy, to hate and to beat. Zing! Seriously, Pitt has zero redeeming qualities. Hate with regard to neither women, children, the elderly, or kittens.

Marshall

The red-headed step-child that all of us keep locked in the basement. Oh, you don’t have one? Yeah, stop lying.

Virginia Tech

Who cares if we don’t play them anymore, my hate still burns bright. So should your’s.

Louisville

Our new biggest rival. Down this year, though they should be back in years to come. Unless they keep Steve Kragthorpe, who enjoys losing football games, cross-dressing, and body-painting.

OK, those are the biggest 4. Then there’s the rest of the football Big EAST:

USF
Cincinnati
Syracuse
UConn
Rutgers

Then we have to get to the Big EAST basketball schools:

DePaul
Georgetown
Marquette
Providence
St. John’s
Seton Hall
Villanova

Of course, I intentionally omitted Notre Dame, not because they’re not on the list, but because they deserve their own section:

Notre Dame

The most hated of the hated, not just by us, by everyone. Even the Aryan Brotherhood and the Mexican Mafia think Notre Dame is evil. Now if we just get the entire school into a California prison…

Now we have to get a little more creative:

Penn State.
The Big Ten, but not Northwestern.
ESPN, the network, not the individual letters. Except P.
Lee Corso.
College football analysts with an SEC bias. These include all of them.
Dan Dakich.
College basketball analysts with an ACC bias.
Jay Bilas. See above.
Miami Hurricanes.
Real, actual hurricanes.
The entire state of New Jersey.
Mike’s Hard Lemonade, and any variation.
Bobby Bowden.
Sex and the City, the show and the impending movie.
John Beilein.
Lane Stadium.
Spiders, the insect, not of Richmond. Though their prior affiliation with Beilein is troubling.
Michael Vick.
Osama Bin Laden.
USC.
Texas.
Nebraska.
Maid in Manhattan.
Lou Holtz. Fuck you for 1988. Fuck. You.
The ref who called the technical foul in the 1998 Sweet 16.
Donovan McNabb.
Doug Flutie.

Stay with me, there’s more…

Warren Sapp.
Lee Suggs and Kevin Jones.
The student gate at Mountaineer Field.
Jay Mariotti.
Old Pitt Stadium. What a fucking dump.
Frank Beamer. It’s funny because his burn makes him look like a turkey.
Phil Fulmer. Nothing really to do with WVU, but just hate on principle. Trust me.
The 2001 football season.
The 2001-2002 basketball season. Two words: Drew Catlett.
Roger Staubach. Wow, was he fucking good. And three times as old as me.
Marcus Vick. Statutory rape is funny when it’s not your daughter.
The UVA pep band.
When they pave paradise and put up a parking lot. Unless it’s the Blue Lot.
Rick Pitino.
Adolf Hitler.
Jim Boeheim.
Joseph Stalin.
Jim Calhoun.
Jim Calhoun. Get it? Zing!
Elderly drivers. Turn off your damn turn signal!
The student section. Unless you’re a student, and then…
The alumni section. Unless you’re an alumnus, and then…
Not having a school golf course.
Paul Pasqualoni.
Stuart Scott. Or is it Linda Cohn I hate more? Eh, who can decide…
Linda Cohn.
Jewel. We get it, you lived in your van.

…and last, but certainly not least…

Marvin Graves and Tremain Mack. Don’t tell me you haven’t been thinking about these two names since you started reading this list. They are the reason this list exists. Outside of the big four and Notre Dame, Marvin Graves and Tremain Mack might elicit more blind hatred than anyone else.

OK, that’s the list. If I’ve missed anyone — and there have to be more — nominations are being taken in the comments.
Ballhype – The Definitive Hate List
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Why Don’t We Just Burn The Money?

If you’re a Marshall fan — like I am — you’ve had your fingers crossed for an indoor practice facility built with taxpayer money for awhile now. Well, today might be your lucky day:

Plans for an indoor practice facility for Marshall’s athletic program have risen from dormancy.

Marshall University’s Board of Governors has included a $10 million building in its list of capital expenditures projects from 2008 to 2013. The move Tuesday does not signal imminent construction or even approval, but it does resurrect a stronger possibility.

Fantastic. We all know who supports Marshall athletics, right? It’s sure not the donors, if they have any outside of Joan C. Edwards. It’s the entire state of West Virginia and its taxpayers. And if I know taxpayers, the first thing on their list is a $10 million indoor practice facility for an 0-6 football team.

New roads? Nah. Improved public education? Maybe later. Indoor practice facility? Hooray!
Ballhype – Why Don’t We Just Burn The Money?
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LSU Fans Are Classy

For the first 10 seconds of this video, we see an older, mild-mannered LSU fan watching his Tigers play Tulane in the Superdome. Then, at the 11 second mark, everything goes to hell.

Seriously dude, what are you thinking? First off, it’s Tulane. Tulane! You feel the need to drop an air “fuck you” to the Tulane Green Wave? While you’re at it, why don’t you go ahead and club a seal or talk shit on one of Mike Gundy’s players.

I always knew LSU fans were a classy bunch. My guess is this is the guy that was calling Tim Tebow’s cell-phone every 10 seconds. Tebow doesn’t like you like that! Pervert.

[Courtesy of Big Ten Tailgate]
Ballhype – LSU Fans Are Classy
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Notre Dame Is A Rational Being

As a group, Notre Dame fans seem to be a real down-to-earth bunch. Always courteous to other fans and respectful of their rightful place in college football. Or they’re completely fucking nuts. It’s one of the two.

Climpsin Is Silly

The latest rage in the college football coaching carousel comes from tiny, tiny, almost-Anderson Clemson, SC. This rumor has been seen on most (Clemson) message boards, but why listen to a upstate hick explain it when we have our own Mitch Vingle:

Apparently, there’s grumbling in Tiger Land. There are whispers this could be Bowden’s last season unless a major turnaround takes place. (Understand that Clemson isn’t winless or close to winless. The Tigers are 4-2 overall, 2-2 in the ACC. But Virginia Tech just beat Clemson 41-23.)

Anyway, the rumor was that WVU’s Rich Rodriguez had a one-team escape clause in his contract. And that one team was Clemson.

OK, I beg you to stop laughing just to hear the explanation.

The sound you’re about to hear is that rumor being squashed.

“That’s not true,” said WVU associate athletic director Mike Parsons. “There are no escape teams in the contract, Clemson or anyone else.

That’s better. In what world, real or make-believe, would anyone think that CRR would jump from WVU to Clemson, which makes rural Kansas look cosmopolitan. When the major selling point is a Huddle House, you might be in trouble.

My guess? Bowden wins 1 or 2 games he shouldn’t and keeps his job. After all, he does the same thing every year.

LSU Can’t Catch A Break

Remember the Zapruder film of the Kennedy assassination? Well, this is the college football equivalent.

Georgia’s Sense Of Entitlement Might Be A Little Inflated

This girl is apparently smarter than South Carolina fans. You be the judge.

[courtesy of Deadspin]

Ears Bleeding, Please Make Stop

Matt Grothe has his own website. If that wasn’t the funniest thing you’ve ever heard, Matt Grothe also has his own rap song. Sung by Bulls kicker/Special Olympian Delbert Alvarado. Hilarity ensues.

Welcome to MattGrothe.com, the Internet’s #1 source of news, information, and multimedia on University of South Florida sophomore quarterback Matt Grothe!

Fuck, I wonder what’s #2?

For my money, nothing gets you street cred in the rap game quite like missing 4 field goals in one half. And if that’s not enough, having the first name Delbert usually does it. Shit, with a name like that, you’re about 1000% more likely to be hung off a balcony by Suge Knight than have a hit track.